.

..AF arrived, STIMS have started & 2nd follie check..

2011-04-20T20:45:00.000-07:00

I am SOOOOO sorry for my delay in posting an update. I have been so tired this past week or so I just haven't had the energy to type and think about what I want to say. But here I am, and I have lots to update you all on.

AF
In my last post I was asking where the heck AF was. Well, on Friday AM I called my nurse at my fertility clinic, told her AF had not arrived and we scheduled an appointment for me to come in the following day (Sat) for US/BW. Little did I know that AF would show that afternoon in FULL FORCE!!! If AF would have showed up on time, a CD2 appointment would have been made for that Sat, so it was perfect timing that I needed to make the appointment thinking AF wasn't going to show. AF has not been nice, but I'm very happy she showed.

CD2 appointment
My appointment was at 8 AM Sat morning. The US showed a cyst (of course) around 4 mm (cm?) not sure of the size, but it was 4 something. They didn't seem too concerned about it but that they would have a better answer when my blood results came in. About 4:30 that afternoon, I got the call to go ahead and start stims that night. Here is a look at Stim day 1-4 before 1st follie check:

Sat night = 150 iu of Gonal F & 150 iu of Menopur
Sun AM = 300 iu of Gonal F
Sun PM = 150 iu of Gonal F & 150 iu of Menopur
Mon AM/PM = same routine
Tues = 1st follie check @ 8 AM

1st Follie Check
My cyst made it hard to see things. The tech and the RE that I saw that morning said my cyst was squishing my follicles making it hard to see/find them and to see any type of measurements. They said they saw at least 2. The RE said schedule a 2nd follie check for Thursday and let's wait and see how your blood work comes back. Well, not so good. My estrogen was 26.4 on Sat before starting stims. Day 4 of stims my estrogen was 38.1. This is very low meaning and should be over a 100 by now. So they said to continue my same dosages and come back in on Thursday and cross our fingers that we see a rise in my estrogen and that my follicles have grown and are more visible. Lupron may have suppressed my ovary too much. Unlike that last cycle, they were trying to prevent me from having that one leading follicle making it hard for the other's to grow or at least catch up. But now we are experiencing the opposite where there may be little to no follicles and a very low estrogen level.

My 2nd follie check is tomorrow at 8AM and I'm just praying things look better. I'm trying to stay positive but it's hard when there are always so many ups and downs in an IVF cycle. Please let this be our miracle baby Lord!:) I don't feel as much tugging and pulling in my ovary like I did last time, but I think this approach (the slow growing approach) might be the trick to get us our BFP! So we shall see.

Thanks again for your continued love and support! Means so much to us.

I'll update tomorrow night on how my 2nd follie check went.

Talk to you soon,
Lauren

..Where are you AF?..

2011-04-12T19:34:00.000-07:00

According to my IVF Calendar from my Clinic, AF is suppose to show by tomorrow 4/13/11. Are there signs of her showing? NO!!!! Where the hell is she? I have some weird cramping but no spotting. I'm super emotional (what's new) and hungry. But these could all be symptoms from the Lupron. Oh, my favorite injection in the whole-wide-world!!! I hate this mother effing shot! Excuse my harshness. But for those of you who know my experience with Lupron from the Summer, know it wasn't good and swore I would NEVER use Lupron again. But this is such a small dosage, my RE reassured me that I will not have the same horrible experience again.

So if AF doesn't arrive by tomorrow, I am to call my Nurse. I have no idea what they will do if she doesn't show. Provera maybe? Who knows. I really want to know....this is a NEW protocol for me so I have no idea what to expect. Today is CD26, so technically, she has 2 days to show if this was a normal cycle. We shall see.

I'm trying to just take one day at a time. I've been reading some really great books to keep my mind occupied and it's been working. So I think I will keep up with this habit. I've really been enjoying the reading.

I will post an update once AF shows and what happens next. I hope everyone is doing well.

Yeah for SPRING and warmer weather! I'm so done with the COLD!

Love to you all,
Lauren

..The beginning of IVF#3 has started..

2011-04-06T19:38:00.000-07:00

Hello my lovely friends-

I hope everyone is doing well. I am doing pretty good. I just got back from visiting my family in CA where I'm from. We had a fabulous time and as nice as it is to be at home in my own bed, I miss home already terribly. NOVA (Northern Virginia) just doesn't compare to SO CAL! I'm always so emotional about leaving. My Mom dropped us off at LAX yesterday morning and I did great with the goodbye. It wasn't until we cleared security and were sitting down in Chili's for some lunch that I started to cry. I miss my parents. I miss my brother and SIL and my sweet, sweet nephews, and my bff's! My DH doesn't always understand why I get so sad, but at least he is supportive. He is close with his family, but not the way I am. I just needed a good 30 minutes to just let it all out. After that, I felt so much better. I'm still not happy to be home though. It's a daily struggle for me to live here in VA and I just pray and hope that one day our lives take us to SO CAL! I'm thankful for my wonderful family I have here, my grandparents and my Dad's sister and brother. Without them, I don't know how I would survive. Being able to see them just for dinner, or for birthdays and holidays makes me feel at home!

Ok, so now to the real reason for this post: The start of IVF#3!

I started my first injection of Lupron last night. Went well, just bled some but nothing too terrible. 2nd shot was this AM and this one was much better. It's only 10 units using a insulin syringe so it's not bad at all. Today is CD20, so if my cycle is regular, I should have roughly around 8 more days of Lupron injections. Then AF should arrive. On CD2 of this next cycle, I will go in for US/BW make sure everything looks as suppressed as my RE would like. If so, then we start stims that night. So possibly next Thursday, 4/14 stims will start.

I'm excited but I don't think it's all hit me yet. I've been so preoccupied with school that I haven't had a whole lot of time to think about it all. I'm just praying hard this time works!!!

I'm feeling pretty good. I only have two complaints...I am extremely BLOATED still which is super annoying (I hate the scale these days..seeing #'s I've never seen before...boo) and my face is a disaster. It's not acne but red bumps like a rash all over my face and it's constantly red. I know it has to be from the hormones but I wish it would go away because I feel that it's really obvious and it itches. I just hope this next IVF cycle doesn't make it worse. The joys of all these hormones for a baby!

So overall, things are great!! I'm ready for spring and so done with the cold!

I hope everyone is doing well. I probably won't post an update until CD2 when I actually have something to update on. Your all in my thoughts and prayers, always!

Talk to you soon,
Lauren

..IUI Update: BFN..

2011-03-28T21:09:00.000-07:00

Hi blog friends!

I am so sorry it has taken me so long to update you all. Now that I have a ttc Facebook page and my Youtube channel, I have been updating there more reguarly. So my apologies for neglecting you all. As you can see from my title of this post, this cycle was a BFN!!!! Deep down I knew it would be, but I was holding onto that little ounce of hope that this would be our miracle baby. AF had decided to arrive the day before my beta so I knew it was over. Stupid regular cycle! I had way more symptoms this go around so I was really thinking I was pregnant. But, my gutt knows best and it was right. Before we even began this IVF cycle my DH from the beginning said he ONLY agreed to doing this one cycle before we bought a house. So as the day of my beta got closer I started to really loose hope because I had no idea how I would convince him to do another cycle. I tried to not worry about it but it was hard because I knew our RE would be asking what our next plan would be.

Friday, March 18th was my beta. I had no idea how quick things could get started again. I knew what I wanted and the waiting for my nurse to call with my results was torture. She called around 2 PM apologized that it was negative and wanted to know if we wanted to proceed with another IVF cycle. My RE and I had discussed early when he converted the IVF to an IUI that he would like to try one more cycle with my eggs. I told her that I would need to talk to my husband and I would call her on Monday with an answer. I called my husband and after a very long conversation, and to my surprise, he said YES!!!! I was emotional and was over joyed with happiness. This BFN wasn't the end and we would have one more try. Even though I have 4 more IVF cycles through my insurance, due to the poor response this last time, my RE feels it's best that we try one more time and then re-evaluate doing Donor IVF or adoption. So this has got to be our miracle cycle. I'm so excited! Everything just keeps falling into place and 3rd time's a charm right?

So here is the plan:

Protocol: Lupron Stop Protocol

CD 19 (4/5) - Start 10 units of Lupron in AM until AF shows (approx about 9-10 days later)
CD 2 - Blood work and U/S to make sure everything looks good, if it does, start stims.
I will be using Gonal F and Menopur again, but no Ganilrelix because my system is being suppressed by the Lupron in the beginning instead. Not too sure how the last week of stims works with doing the suppression but we shall see soon enough.
CD 2 or 3 - Start stims for aprox 10-12 days.
ER/ET - Somewhere towards the end of April beginning of May for a February baby.

So hopefully this cycle makes it to ER! I don't want another IUI. I feel that in my situation they are a waste of time and its just a huge let down that I don't want to feel again. I'm praying this is our BFP! I keep saying in my head, "3rd times a charm"! I really believe this. God knows, he has a plan and we just have to trust in Him and pray that this is in his plan.

I'm just so thankful to have another chance. I think this BFN was much easier to handle because I knew we had more chances. With our first IVF and the BFN, we had no other chances. Our insurance only covered 1 cycle so that was it. We didn't have the money to do another cycle out-of-pocket. So this time in many ways is very different. I feel great besides being bloated still and very tired all the time. My food cravings have been out of control and I thought they would go away after the injections stopped and wore off, but not I still love my food. This is so unlike me for those of you who know me....I don't eat a lot. Having endo, I'm always nauseous and it's very hard to eat a full meal. So as much as I'm enjoying this, I don't want it to get to out of control and gain a bunch of weight.

So things are good overall! I'm headed home to SO CAL on Wed till Mon and I couldn't be more excited. We get home late Monday night and then Lupron starts the following day!:)

I will do an update when we get home on how my Lupron injections go. It's all like second nature now, haha!

I hope everyone is doing well. Congrats on all the new BFP's and for all the births this month! So exciting!

Thanks for all the well wishes and for thinking of me!

Talk to you all soon,
Lauren

..IUI Update..

2011-03-06T19:58:00.000-08:00

Hey everyone!

Sorry for my delay in posting an update on how my IUI went. Friday, March 4th @ 8:30 was my IUI. At 7:30 I dropped off my DH's deposit (not fan of the "S" word) for them to prepare it for my 8:30 IUI. We got to the clinic around 8:20 and we weren't called back until around 9. This was the first time that my DH had met our RE and he really liked him and vice versa. After the sperm wash, we had 18mil at 54% motility which is great! They like to see anything over 2mil and anything over 50% motility is considered normal so yet again, another normal semen sample!!!! Yay!!!! We know for sure that I had one mature follicle around 22mm and a few smaller ones that could have possible grown some more with the help of the trigger shot. The IUI went very well and smooth. Only took about 10 minutes and then I had to lay on the table for another 3 minutes. I was feeling ok after so we went to breakfast. When I got home around 11:30, I laid down and I slept from 12:00 pm - 4:15. It was the best nap ever! I did wake up with cramps and I've been cramping ever since. Today I've been experiencing sciatic nerve pain (who knows why or if it's related). But overall I'm feeling pretty good.

My first beta is March 18th and this is going to be the longest 2ww ever! I'm trying to not read into any symptoms I may be having as they can be related to my progesterone I take once a day and even the trigger shot. So I'm going to try to hold out until beta day to find out if we are pregnant or not, but I may break down and test either that Wed or Thurs. Not sure yet. I just don't want to experience disappointment any sooner than I have to. I'm handling everything pretty well and I'm definitely not obsessing over things like I did with my IVF cycle, so this is good. I just pray that this is God's will for our lives and that this is our miracle baby. I feel good about it...not sure if this means anything or not, but I'm feeling very positive about this IUI!:)

I will post an update later this week with any symptoms I may be having and whatever else I'm feeling or thinking! We all know the 2ww causes us to think all sorts of strange things!

I hope everyone is doing well!!!!!

Praying for every one's BFP!

Talk to you all very soon,
Lauren

..Quick Update..

2011-03-02T20:31:00.000-08:00

I'm exhausted from today's events so I'm going to try to make this quick.

I didn't get good news this morning at my follie check. My lead follicle caused my smaller follicles to stop growing or to slow down and as of this morning, we only had one mature follicle to work with. My RE wasn't comfortable doing a retrieval with only one egg. So he converted my IVF cycle to an IUI cycle (artificial insemination). I was shocked. I knew I wouldn't respond the greatest to the stimulation meds but I never thought my cycle would be cancelled and converted to an IUI. The whole reason we are doing IVF is because we can't get pregnant naturally. Sperm issues with egg quality issues makes an IUI nearly impossible to work. But, miracles do happen. By doing IVF with ICSI, we were bypassing the sperm having an issue penetrating the egg/s. Now with an IUI, the sperm will be placed directly into my uterus but will still have to try to meet the egg and fertilize on it's own. How is this going to work???

My IUI is scheduled for this Friday at 8:30. We are hoping that these other smaller follicles will grow in these next two days and be mature enough to ovulate and contain eggs. I did my trigger shot tonight at 6 Pm and I will ovulate in 36 hours just in time for the IUI. I'm trying to stay as positive as I can but it's hard when we are going backwards, not forward. Maybe this was the push we have needed all along. The sperm just needed to get into the uterus to be closer to the egg/s to fertilize them. I know no matter how much I worry, it will not change the outcome. I have to trust in God's plan for ny DH and I and know that regardless of what happens, we'll be ok. If this IUI is not successful, my RE wants to do one more round of IVF with my eggs but with a different approach. So we shall see if we decide to go this route. If a 2nd IVF didn't work, then we would discuss going back to plan b of either donor eggs or adoption.

Surprisingly I'm doing ok. I still have some hope and I'm just trusting in God and that is all I can really do right now. March 18 will be my first beta!!! So not looking forward to my 2ww! Hopefully I can stay as distracted as possible.

I will update more on Friday after my IUI. I'm so exhausted right now and I just need to go to bed. I have a crazy headache, I'm so bloated and I just feel crappy.

Thanks again for your continued support!

Talk to you all soon!

-L-

..Day 5..

2011-02-28T20:12:00.000-08:00

Just a quick update on today's follicle check.

4 follicles found on U/S
18mm
13mm
10mm
10mm

Main concern is the leading follicle growing too fast and not allowing the smaller ones to catch up. There may be more follicle's, they just only count the ones measuring 10mm and above. So we are working with 4. Not a huge number, but better than nothing. We knew from the beginning that I was a poor responder so my Dr reassured me this morning that they aren't focused on quantity but quality. That they have seen BFP in woman in my same situation so this gives me hope!

PM injections:
Gonal-f - 150 iu
Menopur - 300 iu (went from 3 vials to 4)

AM injections:
Gonal-f - 300 iu
Ganirelix pre-filled injection

7:45 AM follie check

2 most important things right now: Keep me from O on my own (reason I already started Ganirelix) and allowing smaller follicles time to catch up to leading follicle.

Please continue to pray this cycle goes well and that we are able to retrieve all 4 follies if not more and that we have a good fertilization report with more than 1 embryo to transfer this time.

I have been fine up until today....I'm really nervous and anxious now! God is in control! I have to remember this!

If I don't post an update tomorrow night, I will be sure to on Wed AM.

Much love,
-L-

..Day 4 & 1st Follicle check..

2011-02-27T20:41:00.000-08:00

So today @ 8:00 I had my first follicle check after being on stims for 4 days. I was a bit nervous because I had no idea what to expect. My first IVF cycle I progressed very slowly and had some tough days.

1st IVF cycle at 1st follicle check - I had 1 cyst 19mm, and an 11.5 mm follicle
2nd IVF cycle at 1st follicle check - 3 follicles, 1 16mm (leading follie), 1 12mm, and 1 they didn't measure most likely because it was below 10mm. 3 follicles is a great sign considering it's only day 4. So yay!!!!

The tech asked if I had a cyst before started because of the 16mm follicle and I said no and the nurse who was also in the room confirmed that I did not. She thought it might have been a cyst since it was larger than the other two. The nurse said I would probably need to be seen again tomorrow morning, but to wait for results later that afternoon.

1:30 the same nurse I saw that day called and gave me my new instructions:

Day 4 PM:
Gonal-f 150 iu (same dosage)
Menopur - 225 iu (went from 2 vials to 3)
Add Ganirelix shot
So a total of 3 injections for the PM

Come in on Monday AM for another BW/US follie check

Day 5 AM:
Gonal-f - 300 iu
Ganirelix pre-filled injection
7:30 AM appointment

I was a bit confused at why I was started Ganirelix so soon. 1st cycle I didn't start it until about Day 9. But from what I read, it's to help slow down the leading follicles to let the smaller ones catch up and so that I don't ovulate on my own. I'll find out more tomorrow am. I'm trying to NOT over analyze this cycle. I did this my first cycle and I about drove myself crazy. I will not do this to myself again. So far I'm doing really well at not reading too much online and not obsessing over every little thing. I know no matter how much I worry, it's not going to change what's suppose to happen. I trust in God and his will for our lives and I just have to believe!!!!!

Tonight's shots were a doozy. The menopur burns so bad and it's a bitch going in. But the feeling doesn't last long thankfully. I will update tomorrow night on how my appointment went and anything new that has come up.

I'm off to bed. Thanks again for your continued support and love! I love all my readers!:)

Talk to you all soon!

-L-

..IVF#2: Day 1..

2011-02-24T20:40:00.000-08:00

*IVF#2 - Day 1*

Just a quick update. AM shot went well. Made me a little sick, but some more sleep helped. PM shot was a doozy. The menopur needle was a bit rough only because I let go of my skin being pinched too soon, so this was pretty painful, but otherwise successful. Gonal-f PM was just fine.

Day 2 AM shot tomorrow @ 5:30 AM. DH has to be in Richmond by 9 AM so he has to leave the house by 5:40, so up to get stabbed, then back to bed I go.

I can already feel my ovary working. Lots of pulling and tugging feelings! All great signs!:) Drinking lots and lots of water to AVOID OHSS!!!!!

I may not be posting till after Sunday's appointment for my follie check, but I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend and keep those fingers and toes xxx for us!:)

Talk to ya'll soon!

oxo,

-L-

..2/24/11..

2011-02-22T20:52:00.000-08:00

I never thought I would be saying this, but we start IVF#2 with MY EGGS on Thursday 2/24/11!!!! I had my baseline appointment yesterday and it went great. My ovary looked great, uterus looked great and my hormone levels were right on track. I couldn't be happier! Everything is falling into place so nicely. AF started yesterday right on time after last BCP Saturday....so quick!

My IVF schedule for the next couple of days:

Thursday:
6:00 AM - 300 IU Gonal-F
6:00 PM - 150 IU Gonal-F & 150 IUI of Menopur

Friday:

6:00 AM - 300 IU Gonal-F

6:00 PM - 150 IU Gonal-F & 150 IUI of Menopur

Saturday:

6:00 AM - 300 IU Gonal-F
6:00 PM - 150 IU Gonal-F & 150 IUI of Menopur

Sunday:
6:00 AM - 300 IU
8:00 AM - 1st follicle check and blood work appointment
Wait for results that afternoon to see if I continue with these dosages, or if they will be changed.

And this continues for the next 10-12 days.

I being cautiously optimistic about this cycle. Everything just feels right. But I know this doesn't mean it will work. I have to be prepared for this. I want this more than anything and I am trying so hard to NOT think about it too much. Kind of hard though when you've been given a chance you never thought you would have again! DH seems to be really happy and excited! He's been super sweet about it all. As macho as my DH may come across, he is such a softy and so sweet about baby things. We were out to dinner the other night and we were talking about when the baby would be due and then about baby showers, and he asks me, "Will this be like a shower with guys there too?" I was so surprised he even engaged in this kind of conversation. I said No it's a girl thing and he said, "few, ok good!" He won't express much about how excited he is, but I see it in him and it just melts my heart!:) He is going to be the best Daddy and I can't wait to see this!

I have a very busy weekend coming up so I will try my best to post an update on Friday on how the injections are going if not by Sunday. We are celebrating our god daughter's (also our niece) 1st birthday on Saturday. I have already spoiled this little munchkin and her birthday was just another excuse to go shopping for her! She is the cutest dressed little 1 yr old in town...we keep her in style with all the coolest shoes! I love shoes so I figured she should reap some of the benefits of it too!:)

I need to stay as stress free as I can throughout this IVF cycle! This means NO DRAMA from anyone! My main focus is my body and giving it the best possible care it deserves to house our soon to be embies to later become our miracle bean/s!:)

~*~PRAYING HARD FOR OUR NOVEMBER 2011 MIRACLE BEAN!!!!~*~

I'll update you all soon!

-L-

..We are getting so close..

2011-02-17T18:27:00.000-08:00

Next week at this time (as long as everything looks good on Monday) I will be starting my first round of injections of Gonal f and Menopur. I can't believe this is actually happening! Three weeks ago I was coming to terms with the fact that I might not be a Mom as soon as I had hoped. Then things changed so quickly and we are preparing for IVF#2. God works in mysterious ways and we couldn't be more thankful for this opportunity.

I had my Mock Embryo Transfer today. This is where my RE places a catheter in through my cervix to my uterus to make sure the catheter goes in easily and that once in my uterus, a small amount of saline is inserted to make sure it goes in without any bubbles and moves freely. It's not painful, just uncomfortable and a bit crampy when they inject the fluid. But everything went well and my RE was very happy with the results.

My meds came yesterday! OMG, HOLY MEDS!!! The box was full and it brought back so many memories from our first IVF cycle. Here is a glimpse at all of my IVF meds for this cycle:

Antagon Protocol

I will be doing the Antagon Protocol again, but at a higher doser. Instead of starting out with just Gonal f at night, I will be doing 300 IU of Gonal-F in the Am and 150 IU of Gonal-F and 150 IU of Menopur at night to start off. We all know this can change based on how the follicles are growing but this is the plan for now. Once my follicles are >14mm I will then start the Ganirelix. This will be for about 10-12 days. ER/ET have been tentatively set for the week of March 6th. I pray and am crossing my fingers we make it to a 5 day ET this time....this gives us the best chance of pregnancy! We also are praying for embryos to freeze. The first time we had zero! This was hard and being left with only one surviving embryo made are chances that much less of it working.

Saturday is my last BCP. Monday @ 7:30 AM is my 1st BW/US appointment. If all looks good, then we get the green light to start stims on Thursday. I'm already exhausted. Tuesday night I came home and took a nap from 7-10PM, then went back to sleep at 11 PM till morning. Then Wednesday night I came home again and went to bed at 7 PM! I don't know why I'm so tired, but I am and it's only going to get worse once this cycle starts and then even more if I become pregnant!:) It will be so worth it though.

Based on the IVF due date calculator, I would be due the last week in November, so not December baby unless I stim for longer than intended or I go past my due date. I like a November baby because we only have one November bday in my family and it will be nice to have another that is NOT in the month of February or June!

I have a lot going on this month and next month with my niece turning 1 and being in school with all my homework that is due. I'm going to have to be very disciplined but also make sure I'm getting plenty of rest. I am doing everything possible right now to take care of my body and give it everything it needs to stay healthy and well rested.

Thank you everyone for all your kind words and all your support! I love all of your "likes" and comments on my Facebook page...they make me happy!:)

I will update frequently throughout this journey and I hope to start making more youtube video's as well!

Talk to you all soon!

Have a wonderful weekend!

~*~ STICKY BABY DUST TO ALL OF YOU ~*~

-L-

..IVF #2 start date..

2011-02-11T21:40:00.000-08:00

I'm exhausted right now, so I apologize if this post is short and not to detailed. But I have more great news. We got the timing all figured out and we will be starting this month! I am so excited. It's a bit rushed for me, but we don't want to miss out on this chance so it's worth it. Here is the tentative schedule

Feb. 20th - Stop BCP
Feb. 21st - BW/US to check lining and that everything looks good to start, if so, then...
Feb. 24th - Start stims (injections) 10-15 days aprox.
1st-2nd week of March - ER/ET depending on how many follicles there are and how well they are growing.
TWW - 14 days after ET
Week of March 20th - Beta #1

Again, this is all tentative and the dates can change by a day or two. There is also the possibility that the cycle could be cancelled if I don't respond well. But we won't know until I start the stims.

This would give us a December baby!:) A Christmas miracle! I've always hoped for Christmas miracle or a Birthday (February) miracle! If it's meant to be, it will be.

Just trusting in God and taking it one day at a time!!! I still can't believe this is happening. I never in a million years thought this is what we would be doing right now! I will never doubt the power of prayer!

I will update as often as I can to keep you all in the loop. Your prayers are much appreciated and thank you for all your kind words of encouragement.

Have a great weekend!

xox
-L-

..BIG UPDATE..

2011-02-10T21:38:00.000-08:00

I am so sorry to keep you all waiting on my update from my follow-up with my RE yesterday. My mind has been in a million places. Let's cut to the chase and get to the good stuff now. My appointment went better than I could have EVER expected. After all the bad news I've heard since September, I had prepared myself for the worst. I would hear, "No, IVF with your eggs just is not an option, Donor is the best route"! This is NOT how the appointment went. He said he felt very encouraged by my ultrasound last week with seeing the 6 follicles in my ovary and my FSH being at 11.9 not 42 like in Sept. He said, YES to IVF with MY eggs!!!! Are you serious? A chance to have a child all of our own??? I couldn't believe it. For 6 months I had to come to terms with knowing that I would most likely never know a child of mine would look like. This was the hardest thing to come to terms with and accept. But I did. We were so thankful for the other options out there. They just weren't attainable at the moment. I left the appointment on cloud 9! I cried the whole way back to work with tears of happiness. This is an answer to a prayer!:)

DH and I had an agreement when we found out we couldn't have a child with my eggs, that we would concentrate on buying a house and then focus on a family. We knew we couldn't take out a loan for a baby (since my insurance only covers IVF with my eggs, not donor) and then get a house loan...we would never qualify. We never expected to hear this. DH is very responsible and likes to stick to plans and agreements we make. One of the many qualities I love about him. Before this appointment, I would casually bring up the 'what if's'. What if we could do IVF with my eggs? He always said, no, we made an agreement. So when I got this good news, I was so scared to tell him. I didn't want to hear the NO!!!! The agreement now to me wasn't valid. The IVF is FREE, we can still shop for a house, get a home loan and prepare for a baby all at the same time. I told him via text yesterday that I would tell him all about it when I got home. Did I? Nope. I didn't say a word all night. I was a wreck. All day at work I just kept thinking, I need to tell him, he has to understand and want this as much as I do.

I was going to avoid it till the weekend, but I couldn't handle it anymore. I came home, we started dinner and I then sat on the couch (which I haven't been doing lately because of all my homework). After about 15 minutes or so, he asked me what was up. I just started to cry. I was so mad I couldn't hold it together. When I managed to finally get some words out, I just said please hear me out, I need to talk to you. I told him the good news, told him when the baby would most likely be born; February and this is what he says, "another February birthday"? I'm not doing this, no! I couldn't tell if he was serious or not...I started to think he was. Then he said, yes, let's do it!:) What?? Are you serious?? This was such a special moment for me. We saw eye to eye after many months of not and he was just as happy about it as I was. We are about to start IVF#2!!

We have some timing issues to figure out. We have a trip to CA planned for the end of March and if we start BCP when this next AF is to start on Feb. 24th, that puts us at this weekend for ER/ET (egg retrieval and embryo transfer). So this would not work. My Re actually wanted to start now since he already started me on BCP last Monday. Only issue, DH and I have blood tests we have to get done and he can only do it on a Sat. and the soonest he can do it is the 26th at 8 AM. If we started now, we would be in our tww while in CA which is fine because this requires no appointments until the day of my beta. Otherwise, we wait till end of March's AF to start. Which is fine, but it just worries me waiting this long since we have no idea what my body is up to. But, this prayer of doing IVF with my eggs was answered so it's evident God is working in our lives and has a plan. I just need to trust in Him and just take it one day at a time.

I will be calling my nurse tomorrow to tell her that we are ready to start, I will tell her our situation with the 6 days we will be gone in March and she will talk with me RE and they will call me back with a plan. I'm so excited! I've been waiting so patiently for this day to come. I really never thought it would. I knew a donor IVF cycle would or adoption, but another chance with my eggs, just amazing!!!! So I will know more tomorrow and have a plan. I have to schedule a mock embryo transfer still and it might be too late with this cycle.

Never doubt the power of prayer! We don't even know if this will work. But knowing that we have another chance to have a little Lauren/Anthony is all that matters. I know that God has a plan, and boy is he ever surprising us. We can't thank you enough for all your love and support throughout our infertility journey! We will have our take home baby, I just know it!

I'm sure I'm missing a ton of things, and if I am, I'll do another post tomorrow. Plus I will need to post an update of our plan so I will make sure to keep you all well informed!

Here's to all the 2012 mommies-to-be!!!!!!!

xox,
-L-

..RE follow-up postponed..

2011-02-06T10:38:00.000-08:00

My follow-up was suppose to be this past Friday, but I was so not feeling good, so I rescheduled it for this coming Wednesday, February 9th at 11:45. This experience with my new clinic and new Dr has been amazing. My first clinic my RE never called me to check up on me or call to squeeze me into a sooner appointment. The level of care just wasn't there. My new RE, he's amazing! He is so kind and thoughtful. He always calls me after my nurse delivers the not so best of news just to make sure I'm doing ok and to explain things and if I have any questions. When I rescheduled my appointment, the receptionist gave me the soonest available which was for Feb. 22. I took it just because I knew I had no other choice.

So what did my Dr do? About 2 hours after I called to reschedule, he called me asking me if I could come in next week? That he wanted to get me in as soon as possible. Of course I said yes. This meant so much to me. He is looking out for my best interest and doesn't want me to wait to be treated (whatever this may be). My clinic has proven to be one of the best clinic's around in my opinion. If you are in the Northern Virginia or Maryland area, I highly recommend going to Shady Grove Fertility. They truly care about their patients and it shows. I have been very pleased so far and I'm thankful that they came so highly recommended to me.

I'm on my second week of BCP, so far so good (I guess). The only issue I have is the make me very nauseous if I don't take it with food. So I have to make sure I have a full stomach before I take them. The pains are still there, just not as intense.

I will update Wednesday night with how my follow-up went and where we go from here. Thanks for all your kind words and prayers. They mean so much to my DH and I!

I hope everyone has a wonderful Sunday and a great week!

Talk to you all soon!

-L-

..Cryosurgery follow up #2 with OBGYN..

2011-02-02T20:17:00.000-08:00

Today I had follow up #2 for my Cryosurgery I had this past May. November's pap came back clear and we are crossing our fingers this one does too. Follow up #3 is scheduled for May 2. I'm so glad they monitor you so closely when you've have pre-cancerous cells removed. It helps me to not worry so much. But I'm in good hands and I know that if they did come back, my Dr would take the proper steps to remove them again.

I brought up the pain. I told her how intense it has been. More than usual. I'm nauseous 24/7, I'm bloated, my lower back hurts, my ovary aches and hurts and constantly has sharp, stabbing pains, my hips ache, my bowels are a disaster and my bladder hates me. I told her that at the moment, we aren't seeking any treatments until we are in a house (blah, blah, blah). She doesn't like to interfere with my RE's treatment plan, but I told her that I feel most comfortable with her treating me for the Endo and for my RE to treat me for the IVF treatments. I know he is fully capable of treating me, I just have this tie to my OBGYN, hence she has done all 3 of my surgeries. I'm most comfortable with her. She said, let's try you on the pill for about 3 months and see how the pain level is then. She is just afraid that my endo is going to eat my uterus away and destroy it before it has a chance to carry a baby. The best treatment other than another lap, is BCP. If after 3 months the pain is still too intense, then we will discuss the possibility of removing my uterus! This is a huge decision and not a decision I'm ready to make. I trust her and I know her fears are valid. She confirmed I have Stage 4 Endo (the worst possible) and it's only a matter of time before the Endo destroys my uterus and the remaining reproductive parts I have left. So right now the goal is to try to preserve my uterus the best we can to give it a chance to carry a baby either through IVF w/my eggs or Donor eggs.

The BCP that she prescribed is the same one my RE prescribed so this is good because I started them on Monday night. It's a mild BCP. She wants me to have some hormones in my body to keep me somewhat normal so that I don't feel too menopausal. I will skip the week of the sugar pills and go straight into the next pack to avoid having a period. If no period, new Endo has a harder time growing!

I will see my RE on Friday at 11:15 and then take some time to process everything and come up with a plan of attack based on what he tells us.

None of this is new news, so it's not shocking to hear I could loose my uterus soon. There is always a surrogate and adoption. We have options, just might not be the options we had hoped for.

God is in control and we just have to trust in Him! As hard as this is, it's all we can really do! No amount of worry is going to change the cards we've been dealt. It's part of life, our life and we will get through it.

Look for an RE update sometime this weekend.

Thanks for your continued support, love and prayers!

-L-
<3

..CD3 Appointment with my RE..

2011-02-01T20:43:00.000-08:00

Hi ladies (maybe gents)-

Sorry for the delay in posting an update. Didn't have the best night last night and didn't feel like talking about this. So Monday I went in for CD3 BW/US at my Fertility Clinic. A little background quick to help you understand why this appointment was so monumental.

From March (when I had my 3rd surgery) until November, my body was in shut down mode.
From March till April my body was trying to get on a normal cycle by itself.
From April till June my body was suppressed with Lupron injections.
From July till November we waited for my body to wake up.
October 1st AF induced by Provera.
Beginning of December first AF started on it's own.
Jan. 1 (27 days after Dec AF) AF started on it's own AGAIN.
Jan. 28th (28 days after Jan. 1 AF) AF started on it's own.

The past two cycles have made me wonder what's been going on. When my RE started the vaginal ultrasound, he turned the screen to show me 6 follicles inside my ovary. This was great news. For 8 months there was no activity with my ovary and it was very, very small. He said the size looked good and that the 6 follicles could be a sign that my body is waking up. He knew I was there to see if IVF w/my eggs was a possibility, so seeing this was great news. But, of course, we still had to wait for the blood test results because this really tell all and gives the whole picture of what's really going on. At about 2 pm that afternoon, my nurse called and gave me the results.

Background on FSH:

September FSH - 42 (ouch)

October FSH - 17 (much better but still too high)

January FSH - 11.9

My clinic likes to see an FSH of 8 or below for an IVF cycle with my eggs. A high FSH is an indicator of premature ovarian reserve and a reduced amount of eggs. I've known all along I've had this so this doesn't surprise me that my FSH is still elevated.

Estrogen:

Estrogen level has never been elevated. I've been having some intense hot flashes lately, and I know why now.

Estrogen was - 76.3 (it should be 50 or lower)

An elevated estrogen level can be an indicator of premenopause/menopause. This surprised me. So it's not just one hormone level, it's now 2 that are elevated.

I'm producing follicles that hopefully contain eggs, but my hormone levels are elevated..what does this all mean? I have a follow-up with my RE on Friday morning at 11:15 to discuss these results and where we go from here. I want my RE's honest opinion about whether or not he thinks IVF w/my eggs is worth a try or not. I want answers. So in the meantime, he put me on BCP's - Ortho Novum to prepare my body for a Mock Embryo Transfer.

DH is still on the house band wagon. It doesn't seem like he gets how important it is to start IVF NOW if we are given the green light to use my eggs. The longer we wait, the more damage my Endo will do which will lesson the chances of using my own eggs if not worse. We have a lot to think about and some big decisions to make. Deep down, I have this feeling our only option is going to be Donor Eggs. I want to think positively, but it's so hard when I continually get the same bad news that my hormone levels are too high. I'm anxious for my appointment on Friday and just want to know our options.

I have my appointment with my OBGYN tomorrow at 12:15. This is a follow-up from my cryosurgery last May to remove the pre-cancerous cells on my cervix. I'm also going to bring up the pain I've been experiencing lately and all the nausea. It's getting really hard to eat and forcing myself is nearly impossible. I constantly feel like I'm going throw up. I hate it. I waste so much food because after about 2-3 bites, I'm nauseous and feel like throwing up. Bleh.

So this is where I am at. I'll post an update tomorrow on how my appointment goes with my OBGYN!!! Hoping she can give me some good meds to get me through this pain and nausea. PLEASE!!!!

I'm off to bed to now to snuggle up with my bf, the heating pad! It's a nightly ritual we have going that seems to be working out well!:)

Hope your all doing well!

Happy hump day!:)

Lots of love,

-L-

..AF & BW/US appointment..

2011-01-29T20:25:00.000-08:00

It's me, I'm still alive. There hasn't been a whole lot to update on since we had been waiting for our new insurance to kick in. Well, we are now fully insured again and we have infertility coverage that is a-MAZING!!!! A lot has been discussed and decided between the hubs and I these past few months. Being told that our best chance at conceiving was through Donor Egg IVF, we didn't put much thought into given my body another try. Well, finding out my IVF coverage does NOT cover Donor, but covers 4 IVF cycles, we decided to give my body another try as long as our RE thinks it's worth a shot. He gave us a 20% chance of conceiving with my eggs, so to me, 20% is better than a 0% chance!

AF showed up yesterday for the third month in a row on her own. She showed up exactly 28 days from my last cycle. Crazy that it's so regular now but yet my body doesn't work? Go figure. I called my RE yesterday and spoke to my nurse. I told her that we wanted to discuss the option of IVF with my eggs before proceeding on with Donor, so on Monday I am going in for CD3 BW/US to see how my hormone levels are and what my ovary looks likes. He will then be able to base his decision off what he sees. I've also been experiencing the endo pains again! It seems like every year around this time it starts to get bad and I end up having surgery. I really don't want surgery again so soon. My only concern is, DH and I have decided to post-pone doing an IVF cycle until after we have bought a house which we are in the process of doing. He wants to be established first (I understand this, but I'm not happy about it) so if we do decide to use my eggs, the longer we wait, the more my endo has the chance to make things even worse to where we could loose this chance. I'm not making any decisions until I speak with my RE. If we are indeed waiting a few months to start the next IVF cycle, I can't just let the endo go, I have to go on some type of treatment to prevent it from growing....NO LUPRON again...I don't care how well it worked, it was awful and I'm never doing it again. So we have some decisions to make.

I have an appointment with my OBGYN on Wednesday for another follow up pap from my cryo surgery last May. Crossing my fingers for a normal pap! I also want to discuss my pain with her since she has been the one treating my endo since the beginning. I will see what my RE says and then what she thinks and go from there. I'm getting really sick of all this waiting. Everybody that I started my IVF journey with all have babies now! I think it's my turn next right? I think so. Adoption is still an option. "Just need the house first"! So we are hoping to be in a house by Spring and then start an IVF cycle soon after. I'm hoping my RE says it's best to try now because of how bad my endo is and how fast things are progressing. But this doesn't mean that DH will go for it! He's really hot and cold on this subject now and it's really frustrating. You either want a baby or ya don't! Which one is it buddy? You should see him with niece....he's ridiculously in LOVE with HER! I think he just needs to hear it from the DR that NOW is the best chance! We'll see.

So, Monday at 7:30 AM is my BW/US and Wednesday at 12:15 PM is my appointment with my OBGYN. I will post an update on Monday or Tuesday from Monday's appointment and then one for Wed's appointment hopefully that night. No guarantees though, sorry! I'm in school and it's kicking my butt!

I hope everyone is don't well! Lots of BFP's out there....CONGRATS to all you ladies!:)

Have a great rest of the weekend!

-Lauren-

..Happy New Year!..

2010-12-31T17:19:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year!!!!

Wishing for everyone's dreams to come true and no more dreams to be shattered!

2011 will be a year of many miracles and blessings!

Cheers to all the new Mommies out there and to all those waiting for their BFP!

This is going to be OUR year!

Much Love,

Lauren

..The Holidays..

2010-12-27T08:53:00.000-08:00

Hello my virtual friends! I hope everyone had a very Merry Christmas! As hard as Christmas can be on those of us who are struggling with infertility, I had a really great Christmas!!! Being with my niece was such a joy and was so special! She truly has blessed my heart in more ways than I could have ever imagined! She's the greatest!!!=) I was lucky to spend Christmas eve with my wonderful in-laws and company. Lots of food (too much food) and way too many presents. Later Christmas Eve night, DH and drove to the airport to pick up my parents. It was so great to see them! We got to spend Christmas Day with them along with my Dad's side of the family! We had a blast...lots of yummy food and lots of laughter! So, I can say Christmas 2010 was wonderful!

As joyous as the Christmas season can be, it isn't for all of us. A family in CA needs your prayers right now. It's a friend of mines friend who's son went home to be with Jesus on Christmas Eve. Baby Samuel was only 2.5 weeks old and passed away due to under developed lungs. Please keep this family in your prayers as they grieve the loss of their precious son. This story has truly touched my heart and my heart goes out to them! You can find their story here! God works in mysterious ways and sometimes we will never understand why he does things the way he does.

Dh & I Christmas Day - 2010

May God continue to bless you and your family in 2011!

Much love,

Lauren

..Come check out my Vlogs & new Facebook page..

2010-12-20T21:09:00.000-08:00

I have entered the Vlogging world....for those of you who are unaware of what this is, "vlogging (vlogs) are YouTube video blogs. So it's basically my blog in video's. There are times when it's just easier for me to speak what's on my mind. I've enjoyed getting to know my friends in the Vlog world and know how much I've enjoyed watching all their video's that I decided it was time I join in the fun...as fun as infertility is to talk about!=)

You can find me on YouTube at:
http://www.youtube.com/user/toosassy1979

I've also created a private Face book page where I am able to share my thoughts and concerns without being bashed by certain family members that I just can't deal with anymore.

You can find me on Face book under:
MrsCips Ttcjourney

Note: Please don't be offended if I don't except your friend request. I'm only allowing certain people to be my friends to avoid the drama with these certain family members! It's a page where I can feel free to talk to my other fellow IF friends about our IF experiences.

Here is a newly posted vlog from my YouTube page:

PLEASE SUBSCRIBE....I love all my YouTube friends!=)

Stay tuned for more vlogs...my DH got me a handy dandy video camera (something similar to the Flip but much better) for Christmas so I have lots of vlogs lined up for the New Year!

Thanks for your continued support and virtual friendship!

Lauren

..I'm Alive..

2010-12-19T20:21:00.000-08:00

Hi everyone!!!!

I am so sorry for my lack of posts! I've been so busy with school and life in general that I have neglected by bloggie and youtube friends! We haven't made a decision yet on what we want to do in regards to having a baby. We had to put things on hold till Jan when my job becomes permanent so that we have IF coverage again. Then everything from tests to treatments will be covered except donor IVF! We have a lot to think about. We really want to buy a house before our lease is up the end of Feb and then try for a baby. But there are somethings we have to consider..that if we try my eggs one or two more times, we can't wait forever because of my Endo growing and taking over. I am not on any treatments right now for the Endo so I have no idea what is going on inside. I am still having pains just not as intense for the most part.

AF has been weird and irregular. I just had my first period last week without being induced by Provera. I've had two periods since my my surgery last March. The Lupron really screwed my body up. I've been experiencing some joint/bone pain which is a side effect of Lupron which causes bone loss. It also can lead to Fibromyalgia and Rheumatoid Arthritis. I have been having an intense amount of pain in my right arm in my elbow area. It hurts to type and the pain is radiating down to my fingers. My arm is in a constant dull aching pain and goes in and out from feeling numb. I knew this could happen, I just didn't realize it couldn't happen so soon or that it would even happen to me. I'm 100% positive this is what it is, but I've never experienced this pain before and it started after I started taking Lupron. So once I'm insured through work starting Jan. 10, I have to go see a Rheumatologist. I'm just trying to take things one day at a time.

The Mock Embryo Transfer is where we left off with our treatments with our new RE. So once Jan. comes, I'll be scheduling this procedure for sometime in Jan and get everything done we need to in order to start either IVF with my eggs or Donor Egg IVF. If we do Donor Egg IVF, we have some additional things we have to complete but I don't want to do these until I know if we are going this route or not.

The holiday's are always hard! I just pray that I am able to enjoy myself and just think of all the positives in my life. It doesn't matter how hard I try to avoid pregnant woman, they are every where in my life and some days it makes me just want to SCREAM! I'm very happy for those who are close to me who are either ttc or who are pregnant, but it doesn't take the pain away just because they are my friends or my family! Those of you struggling with IF understand this pain I feel.

I have a lot to say but my arm/hand can't take anymore typing for tonight. I'll do an update again soon. Thanks everyone for your continued support and love! Praying for everyone in their ttc journey!

Much love,
Lauren

..Kudos to the Hubby..

2010-11-02T20:00:00.000-07:00

I know I am such a slacker at posting updates lately and I'm so sorry for leaving you all hanging. Work is crazy busy and I don't have a lot of time to do my blog stuff while at work.

My appointment after finishing the Mock EEP Cycle went so great! I had no idea how my body would respond to the Del Estrogen injections. My hubby gives them to me because being a worrier, I wanted to make sure that they were done right so I didn't drive myself crazy worrying over every little thing. He did such a fantastic job that my lining responded so well it was 8.5 mm. This is wonderful! They like to see it at 8 or above. This means I can carry a baby. The thick uterine lining is the best place for the embryo to implant. So one thing is in our favor! I started Provera later that night to induce my period which started this past Saturday. The next step was suppose to be the Mock Embryo Transfer, but because I am in between health insurance plans, I have to wait until Jan unless I want to pay out-of-pocket which I don't. So for now, we just let my body take it's natural course and figure out where we want to go from here. I'm sad we can't move onto the next step, but it's the smartest choice and it will eventually happen.

We still have not discussed or decided on a plan of where we want to go with this baby stuff! The adoption is still an option (the girl I told you about before still hasn't come through) and so is the Donor Egg IVF! It's a tough conversation for me because my hubby stresses about money and I don't want to bring on more stress for him by asking what we should do mainly in regards with the DE IVF and the cost. $30,000 is HUGE! Yes, it is SO worth it to have a baby but we both have to be in agreement with this choice. I know he is for it I'm just not sure when in his mind he thinks we should pursue it. I have to have this conversation with him soon because it's eating me alive inside. My stomach hurts, I have anxiety and I'm sad. I hate this loss I feel and the emptiness. Trusting that I will be a Mom has been hard when months and months go by and no progress in this area.

I am part of a wonderful online support group that has been there for me and has gotten me through the tough times. I decided to ask some of the gals in my IVF w/DE group how they were able to afford treatments. I wasn't sure what to expect or what people would say. God definitely heard my prayers and a wonderful lady reached out to me with an amazing possibility of affording DE IVF!! It's something I would have never considered before. Cycling abroad in Europe!!! It's hard to trust other countries when you don't know a lot about them, but I've done some research on the program and it sounds amazing. I will be speaking with her on the phone on Thursday to discuss more details. It would require a journey to the Czech Republic! :) The cost is unbelievable and it's legit. I'm excited to learn more about it and to figure out if this is something we want to pursue! It's affordable and seems more realistic. I will explain more once I speak with her. I'm excited about this possibility and feel like God is truly opening doors for us that we never thought would be possible. This is not a decision to make quickly. It requires time, prayer and research. So far, I love what I see!

Hope everyone is doing well and congrats to all the BFP's and all the new birth's!

Much love,
Lauren

..Mock EEP Cycle..

2010-10-17T20:32:00.000-07:00

So I forgot to mention in my last post that after my appointment on 10/5/10, I started the injections for the Mock EEP cycle. Every three days I give myself an injection of Del estrogen straight in my booty. Not the greatest feeling. This goes on for about two weeks and this Tuesday I go in for blood work and an ultrasound to see how my uterine lining has responded. They are looking for a thick lining around 8-9cm (I think cm...something like that). If all looks good, then we move to the next step and do a mock embryo transfer to make sure that a catheter easily goes into my uterus to place the embryo. It went smoothly the first time with my first IVF so I imagine this time will be the same. With these two tests done, we will find out if my uterus is healthy enough to carry a baby!!! Fingers crossed. The side effects aren't too bad. My boobs have grown and I may have gained some lbs (fluid retention), but other than that, nothing major. I will post on Tuesday with an update on the results and if we are moving onto the mock embryo transfer.

I really don't have any new news on the possible adoption. All we know is the girl is wishy washy and she doesn't know she wants. We aren't giving up, we are just looking into other possibilities as well. I never knew there were so many details when it came to adopting. Foster care and state adoption is in the mix, just not sure what road we want to go down as of yet. We are still aways away from the actual start of a donor cycle. We aren't even sure yet that we want to do this right now. We have more blood tests to complete, social worker to meet with (2x) which is required by our clinic, a pap smear (coming up in a week) and then the financing and choosing the donor. Once we get to this point, once we have chosen our donor, we then have to wait for 2-3 more couples to choose the same donor to begin the IVF cycle. So we have some time to decide. We know we can't come up with $30,000 cash. Financing it is definitely the only option. More debt weights very heavy on us more on my husband so it's not easy to move forward with this plan. If we adopt, we can foster-adopt which is free, or go down the birth mom route without an agency and the cost being roughly around $5,000-$10,000 which my work cover's $5,000. Right now financially, adoption seems to be the best choice. We are praying about it and just waiting for a clear answer. It's hard to justify spending so much money on a child when if we could have one naturally, it would be FREE!!! This is when I feel that the situation that we are in is UN-FAIR!!!! Why me and why us? God chose this way for us and we have to choose whether or not to accept it. We do thankfully! =)

The one comforting thing about choosing the Donor IVF first, is it's a Shared-Risk Guarantee Program. This means 6 attempts at IVF with a donor and if after 6 try's you don't bring home a baby, you get a full refund! We aren't in this to get our money back, but knowing that if we invest the money and time into that many attempts, we get the money back and can try all over again!

We will come to a decision soon. Even if it doesn't happen till the new year, I'll feel better knowing our plan. As far as how I'm doing, feeling, I'm ok. I've had some pretty down days and I'm definitely grieving the loss of not having my own child! It's the worst pain EVER! No one prepares you for this kind of pain. No one can take it away. I feel crappy inside and out. Since my surgery in March I have gained more weight than I ever have in my entire life. Those of you who know me, may not even noticed it, but I do. I'm uncomfortable when I sit, when I stand and when I sleep. The extra lbs on my sides and my thighs is not the greatest. I've been consistently in the range of between 115-120 maybe 122. Now????? 133. I've never hit the 130 mark in the 31 years I've been alive. I know a lot of it is bloating from having endo, but still, that's a lot of weight and a huge change for me. I don't care so much about the #, it's being uncomfortable that I hate. I also can't keep going out and buying new clothes every month because nothing fits. I just bought new work pants about a month ago and they are already tight when I sit down. Jeans are an issue now so I'm probably going to have to invest in some new jeans again!

Praying for guidance, strength, clarity, peace and contentment!

We appreciate everyone's prayers and support! They mean a lot to us. I know I say this a lot, but truly they do!

I hope everyone is doing well.

I'll post again on Tuesday when I have the results from my appointment.

Night night!

Lauren

..It's a GO..

2010-10-11T06:34:00.000-07:00

So my last post talked about the days leading up to my next follow-up/no AF business. Well, last Tuesday was my follow-up ultrasound/blood work. Guess what decided to show that day? AF!!!! Yes, I said it, AF!! I was so shocked..I couldn't believe it. I knew something was up because I just didn't feel right over the weekend. Then bam she came. She only lasted two days and now nothing. So who knows if this is how she is going to be all the time now.

Appointment went just as expected. My ovary is still very small and my FSH is still too high...it was 17 that day. It needs to be below 8 for the best chance of a successful IVF cycle. My RE gave me a 20% of the IVF working with my own eggs. He said with the little ovarian tissue left and the high FSH, your best chance at conceiving is with Donor Eggs!!!! Even though I had already heard this, him confirming it really hit me hard! I started grieving the loss of never have my own child! No one prepares you for this. I know that I will be a Mom, just not the way I had always hoped and dreamed about. As positive as I have been over the past 7 months, I'm finding it harder and harder to stay positive. I just feel so cheated! Everyone around me gets pregnant so easy and it just frustrates the hell outta me and it just isn't fair! I know God has a plan, I just wish it would happen already.

I found out on Friday that my work doesn't cover DONOR IVF CYCLES!!! They cover 4 regular IVF CYCLES so you would think that they would cover donor too. This is frustrating. Our only option now is to take out a fertility loan for $30,000 to cover the Shared Donor IVF cyle program - includes 6 IVF attempts. It' more debt but when it comes to having a family, it's worth it. Just have to convince the hubs. He's coming around he just stresses about money so much that he can't see past it. If it's something we both truly want, we will find a way to make it work. Please Lord!!!

Adoption situation is still up in the air. The girl is very wishy washy and we are just waiting to hear if she still wants to meet us or not (I hope I posted about this)! So for now, we are just figuring out things and where we want to go with starting a family. Which direction seems like the best one right now. I'm doing my research and so far, adoption seems like the best option finance wise. My work covers $5,000 towards adoption and there is a $12,500 tax credit so this is looking like our #1 option right now. More details to come soon!

Please continue to keep us in your prayers...I'm experiencing my lows again and I'm finding it hard to stay positive and HAPPY!!!

I hope everyone is doing well! Best of luck to everyone starting an IUI/IVF cycle or who are about to have their little ones...Adrianne you are so close to meeting your little boys! We are so excited for you!:)

Love to you all,
Lauren

..Still hanging in there..

2010-09-27T09:53:00.000-07:00

Hi blog friends! It's been a few weeks since my last post so I thought I would just say a quick hello! Things are going ok. Still no AF and my body has no idea what it wants to do. I've been having some pretty intense hot flashes and some yucky CM which I will NOT go into detail about! So not fun. I have my next sonogram/blood work next Tuesday @ 7am to check my uterus lining, the size of my ovary and my FSH level. From here, if everything is pretty much the same, we will start the MOCK EEP cycle. This will be about a month's process so more waiting. Even if things have changed for the better, this still does not change the damage of my ovary. My FSH could lower, I could get a period or my lining could thicken, but if the ovary is damaged these things don't matter. God has definitely been working in our lives. As this now more than ever.

My granpda is very sick and won't be with us much longer. He has a great sense of things to come and him saying that he see's our baby out there meant a lot to me. His vision became so clear to us last week. God has opened doors we didn't think we would be going down or going down so soon. I don't want to jinx anything, but we've been approached by a friend about a possible adoption of an un-born infant. My DH and I feel like this is the road that we are suppose to take right now. I have never felt more at peace with my infertility than I do now. I have come to terms with the fact that I may never bear my own children and I'm okay with this....yes shocking I know! If you trust in the Lord, then you trust his will for your life. I trust Him and I know that he will make us parents even if it's not the way we had in visioned. Adopting this baby is a gift that we could never have imagined. It came as a complete surprise and we are waiting to hear more information to see if the girl wants to meet us. It's a complicated situation and we are just praying that if this is meant to be, than it will happen. Once we have more details, I will do another post. Right now, we are just asking for prayers that if this is the road we are suppose to go down that we don't get our hearts broken in the end. It's exciting but very scary at the same time!

Other than the usual, things are good!

I hope everyone is doing well!!!

I look forward to updating more on the possible adoption!!!! :)

Much love,
.Lauren.

..There is hope..

2010-09-14T19:57:00.000-07:00

With the devastating news we heard last week, I'm finding it harder to get the energy or the desire to post any updates. When I have good news, I can't wait to post! I don't have the energy to re-post the same thing on different sites, so I apologize that I keep pasting my posts from my other websites.

As you all know I had my follow-up with my RE last Friday! Things went well. He really explained things clearly and I feel so much better about going the donor route. I trust him and this is important. He has our best interest at heart!

I went for my Thyroid testing on Monday and I have fabulous news....MY THYROID LEVELS CAME BACK NORMAL!!!!! This means no meds!!! I guess you can have elevated thyroid levels along with high FSH but it doesn't mean it's a thyroid issue and this is my case. YAY!!!:) So one piece of good news is a good start! Finding out I passed my background check was the best news I could have ever heard last week. Knowing that I have 4 IVF cycles (I can't find anywhere saying it doesn't cover donor) not sure if they cover donor yet, but just knowing that we have the coverage, gives me so much hope. I got a whole packet on the donor cycle and it makes more sense now. The most affordable option out-of-pocket would be the Shared Donor Risk Program. With this program, you have 1 donor and 2-3 recipients of the donor's eggs. It's one flat fee of $30,000 per couple and a portion of this cost goes to the donor. This includes 6 fresh/fet donor cycles and if at the end of a 6th cycle you don't bring home a baby, you get your money back in full. If we did this option, we would have to take out a fertility loan possibly hoping we would be approved. Right now a baby is more important than a house and if this means we have to be $30,000 more in debt, it's worth it to have a child! It will work out one way or another I just want our baby in our arms so I can put all this pain and struggle behind us. It takes a strong and caring man to accept our situation and I couldn't be happier that I have the husband that I have! I feel so blessed and I thank God for him everyday! Crossing our fingers for a Dec 2011 baby or a Jan 2012 baby if all goes as planned. Donor cycle would possibly start in Feb. if not by March. I'll find out more once we get into the donor program. I can't wait to find out when we will be starting! Another count down haha!

Here is my journal post from my other site from Friday:

Hi ladies!!!!

So I had my followup this am. I'm feeling much better about things now. As hard as it is to accept the cards we have been dealt, I truly believe we are in God's hands and will answer the desires of our hearts to be parents.

I really love my RE! He is wonderful. I'm so thankful for him. So he basically told me that by my sono on Tuesday he could tell that my ovary was in bad shape. It is very small and it shouldn't be. My lining is way too thin for the point my body is at after being on the Lupron so he kinda put two and two together before he even got the blood test results. He didn't want to give us false hope, but said there could be a chance my ovary is still in a state of shock from the surgery in March. But even if is, I still have very little ovarian tissue remaining that would make it almost impossible for a cycle to work with my own eggs. But he wanted to give us both scenarios. He said our best chances are with a donor. He wants me to come back 10/5/10 for bw/us to see where things are at. If my FSH is still at 42 then we know we have to go the donor that my body has just shot down. If it's lowered, then we still have to weigh our options but the fact that my ovary is so damaged, it's not worth the heartache to go through our own ivf cycle to only be let down.

We most likely will be going down the donor route. After my appt on the 5th of Oct. my dr wants to do a mock EEP to check to see if my body can carry the baby. I would be give injections of estrogen and provera to induce my period to see how things look. As long as I respond the way I should, we are good to go to start the donor cycle. He said that it typically takes anywhere from 3-4 months to get to a pregnancy with the donor cycle. So if we start in Jan, we are looking at prolly a April ET! We have to figure out the financial part of it as well. Hoping my new job's insurance covers donor eggs.

hign FSH explains my god awful hot flashes!!! LOL

Do have some good news!! DH's SA came back great! Unlike the last one back in July 09.

July 09 SA: ---------> All aprox...can't remember exactly the #'s!
20 MIL count
43% motility
4% morphology

Sept 10
87 MIL count
53% motility
7% morphology (anything above 5% at my clinic is considered normal)

We are thrilled with these results!=) Thank you Jesus!!!!!!

So, for now I wait for the results of my thyroid testing, wait to see if a period comes before 10/5 if not then 10/5 bw/us appt and start the Donor cycle process!

Thank you so much for all your wonderful kind words and all of your love and support. I know I have said this a lot lately, but I just can't say thank you enough. You all are so special to me and I'm so thankful to my wonderful friend AMBER for introducing me to DS! Thanks girl!=)

I'll post again when I have my thyroid results!

Have a great weekend!

Much love,
Lauren

..How does anyone prepare for the worst..

2010-09-08T19:48:00.000-07:00

No one is ever prepared when they get shocking devastating news!

This happened to me yesterday...came out of the blue as a complete shock!

I'm part of an online support group with other fellow woman suffering with infertility and I decided instead of writing my story out again, that I would paste my journal that I wrote today on my message board of infertile friends! These woman have been amazing in supporting me and each other and I can't thank them enough for all their continued support and prayers!=)

Here is my journal post from today from Dailystrength:

This journal is a hard one for me to write. I'm so confused and upset right now that I can't even think straight. I've always known that eventually somewhere down the road that I would have to have a hysterectomy due to the severity of my endo. I always thought it would be after we had babies. I've had a total of 3 surgeries: Laprascopy in July 08, Laparotomy Jan 09 (removal of left ovary), and another Laprascopy in March 10. A year ago when we first started the IVF process my ovary was in descent shape and I had an FSH of 12.4. High but not too too high to not be fit to use my own eggs. We had an unsuccessful cycle as many of you know and always wondered why and what all the reasons were. Now things make more sense. At this time my right ovary had endo spots but not a lot and nothing to worry about just yet. Then this year my cysts grew back out of control and had to be removed. They took over my ovary and I remember my OBGYN saying that they tried to save as much of the ovary as they could. She teamed up with a specialist surgeon with my surgery and felt I was in the best hands. So from here, we knew we had to act quick on having a baby because of my ovary that was in poor shape. Never ever did I think it was this bad.

Being on Lupron for 3 mo we never noticed anything different because I couldn't have periods while on Lupron. I felt awful, gained weight, was tired all the time, and just wasn't myself. We've been waiting for 10 weeks for my period to start and I could tell yesterday that my Dr was concerned. Something wasn't right. When my thyroid came back elevated deep down I knew things were not going in the right direction. But this is a fixable thing. When my nurse told me that my RE wanted to speak with me further that afternoon, the anxiety hit me. What was he going to tell me?

I have never in my entire life felt this much pain and sadness. He said to me that he hated having to tell me this over the phone but wanted me to be prepared for when I see him next. He basically said based on the blood tests that he ran, my ovary is so severly damaged that there is hardly any good ovarian tissue left. That it's damaged from the endo/surgeries. Ok, I kinda knew this but didn't know how bad this could really get. Then here is the kicker. He said my FSH went from 12.4 - 45!!!!!!!!!! WTF!! I asked him if this could be from the Lupron and he said no that Lupron would actually lower my FSH. He said I know this isn't what you want to hear but we may have to start think about another plan that we didn't anticipate and that is donor eggs! OMG, are you serious? Now, before I've even had the chance to have my own child. I asked him if he thought my surgery could have caused this and he said maybe some, but you have an underlining condition that is causing you to have surgery that it's inevitable that you are going to have damage down there. He said that he wanted to pursue the special thyroid testing and to come in to see him ASAP. I'm going to see him Friday at 8 am to discuss everything and what our options are now. He felt so bad telling me this over the phone. Having an FSH this high makes it basically impossible to have our own children with the added damaged ovary. We are trying to stay positive and wait to hear everything on Friday but it's so hard. I'm devastated! I've dreamt my whole life of having my own child and especially a little girl. I can accept God's will for our lives, but it doesn't mean that it doesn't make me incredibly sad!

I have a wonderful DH who is so supportive. He is ok with the fact that we may have to use donor eggs. He sees it as our child no matter where it comes from. I do too, I just can't get past this sadness and pain right now. I feel like I have been cheated out of a dream of mine and that I didn't do anything wrong to deserve this. My other concern is our insurance now and in Jan with my new job if they cover donor ivf cycles! If they don't, I have no clue how we will afford this. So I have some calls to make today. I know we will get through this, it's just not something I expected to hear yesterday. I am in shock with how high my FSH is! Doesn't make sense to me how it sky rocketed like this in 1 yr.

I will know more Friday and I'm so anxious to hear where we go from here. We are in need of many prayers right now and I thank all my DS

We are in good hands with a wonderful RE and I trust that he will take us down the right path to get to our take home baby!

God, please send me peace and the strength to get through this difficult time! Thank you for your never ending LOVE!!!!!!!

Much love,

Lauren

No one is ever prepared for this kind of news! I sure wasn't. I've always know that my issues were serious. I knew that eventually I would have to have a hysterectomy because of my endo but I always thought I would have a baby first. There are no words to describe how I feel right now. I wasn't expecting to hear this news. I knew that I was in the early stages of premature ovarian reserve (early menopause) but I never thought it would get so bad so quickly. The damage on my ovary isn't surprising to me and I had high hopes that it would be healthy enough for at least one more IVF cycle. The FSH is what puzzles me. I could see it going from 12.4 - to like 20 but from 12.4 - 45 in one year? What happened? I don't understand and I'm so confused by this. A FSH of 45 is like being a 40-45 year old woman. I'm no where near this age and it's shocking to hear that my body is shutting down reproductively.

I'm thankful that my Dr called to prepare me so that I would be so shocked and surprised at my appointment on Friday. This shows me he really cares. He was so shocked himself. We know the odds of a regular IVF cycle working with my eggs and we accept this! Even if there is a small chance it could work, it's too much of risk for us to take without knowing the outcome. I want to hear my Dr's opinion and to hear exactly what we are up against and what the donor egg route looks like. This can be a complicated matter when dealing with insurance companies because most don't cover IVF donor cycles. I found out today that my previous employer gave me wrong information about my infertility benefits and even though we changed plans, because I have already exhausted my lifetime maximum of $12,500 with Cigna (insurance before now) that I have no benefits left under my new plan. It's because my previous employer capped the lifetime at $12,500 under any plan. Are you kidding me? We were about to go down this path of starting this IVF cycle and if we did none of it would have been covered. So even without all these current new issues, we couldn't do IVF right now. We are crossing our fingers that my current job becomes perm so that I can go on their benefits. They offer 4 IVF cycles but we are unsure if and what their lifetime maximum is. I believe is $50,000. This would mean they would deduct my already used $12,500 from previous insurance and minus it from the $50,000 and the remaining amount would be what I have to cover any IVF cycles. Since I'm not an employee yet, just a temp I'm not sure how much information I can find out about their benefits. So this added to my day of "wonderful" news! I just can't believe no one every told me this or explained it to me in this way. I'm so glad I called. So now we wait until Jan. to start this cycle. For now, we will go forward with the thyroid testing and treat this and get it under control to be ready and prepared for this upcoming IVF cycle. As crappy as it is that we can't start right now, I wouldn't be able to anyways as soon as I wanted because I have to get my thyroid regulated first and this can take a month or so. So this gives me some peace about things.

We know that everything in the end will work out. It just isn't clear right now. I will be a Mommy one way or another!!! According to my sweet grandpa, he knows that there is a baby out there waiting for us! I don't believe in "those kind of feelings/premonitions" but for some reason when my grandpa says these things, he's right! Kinda creepy but in a good way!=) We have amazing family and friends who are super supportive and loving and without them we could get through this. Things really do make sense now that my tests came back that my thyroid is elevated. My body has been so out of wack that I just thought I was getting older and this is what it felt like. The hot flashes are what clued me in and the weight gain. Darn hormones! It will all work out, I just have to trust in the Lord and believe that we will be parents!!!!! God doesn't give us anything we can't handle...I just want to get to this point where I believe this.

We appreciate all the prayers!!!!! We need them. I'm anxious for our appt on Friday at 8 am. I will try to update you all sometime Friday, but depending on how I feel will depend on how soon I get to posting.

Thank you again, for your continued support and for continuing to follow on my journey towards mommyhood!

~*STICKY BABY DUST TO ALL AND CONGRATS TO ALL THE NEW BFP'S AND BIRTHS OF YOUR BEAUTIFUL LITTLE ONES!*~

-LAUREN

..Where we stand in the IVF land..

2010-09-07T06:00:00.000-07:00

Hello peeps!

Hope everyone had a wonderful weekend. I sure did. I love my 3 day weekends...means more sleeping in for me! I just wanted to update you all on where we stand in this IVF cycle. AF never did show so today at 7 AM I went for bw/us. Thankfully it was my Dr's day for morning monitoring so he was there to do the sono. I was hoping for better news. My lining is still too thin to start. He feels that even giving me provera my body still won't have a period. They took some extra blood to check my FSH level to see if they can tell more with this. He wants to give my body the chance to start on it's own if possible. This is the best case scenario. But, we will know more this afternoon when the test results come back. Regardless of the results, DH and I have a follow-up with my RE next Monday to discuss everything. What protocol I will be on, how DH's SA turned out and just the details of where we go from here if we don't come to a plan by this afternoon.

It's more waiting and I'm beginning to loose my patience. This Lupron did a good thing for the Endo side of things, but in the baby making land, it's been the DEVIL! My body should be back to normal by now and we aren't sure why it's so surpressed still. It's ok to have a body be surpressed, but with a nice thick uterus (not too thick). Too thin doesn't give the embryo the best place to implant. So we want it to get thicker.

I'll post again when I know more. Please keep us in your prayers. I need to be patient and think postively about this. I'm so ready. We thank everyone for all your love and support! It means the world to us!=)

Have a fabulous day!

Lauren

FABULOUS NEWS

2010-09-03T09:58:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it has taken me this long to post an update on my wonderful bits of fabulous news! I'm so excited to share this good news with all of you! You know the job that I posted about last week that I interviewed for with the amazing infertility benefits? Well I GOT THE JOB!!!!!!!!!:) I found out literally about 5 minutes after I posted my last post. I've just been so busy the past few days that I have had no time to post anything. I started on Monday of this week and I absolutely LOVE the job! I have a wonderful boss (thank you Jesus) and wonderful co-workers. I couldn't have been more blessed with such a great job. Everything should turn into permanent by the end of December/beginning of January as long as my background check comes back clear which it should and that they like me!:) So far they do! They keep making me promise that I will come back the next day. Why wouldn't I? I could never turn this job down. They are wonderful to their employees and this makes me happy. So on the job front, things are fantastic!!!

Now to the IVF stuff. Still no AF!!!!!! I talked with my nurse and RE and they have scheduled me to come in on Tuesday for BW/US to see where things are at. I think what they are looking for is to see if my body is still suppressed enough to skip AF and go straight into the IVF cycle. I'm crossing my fingers this is the case. I really don't want to take provera to get AF to start because this justs means more waiting that I'm sick of. So hopefully Tuesday I will have a better idea of when this IVF cycle is actually going to start. Hubby did his SA on Thursday so we are waiting on the results from that. Hoping for a better report this time! So just some more waiting for right now! This waiting sucks so bad. I just want to know if we are having a baby next year or not!:) But being patient is what I have to do if this is truly what I want right now and it sure is. I'll update more next week after my appointment.

Found out how much COBRA will be. OMG!!!!!! It's so expensive. For DH and I it's $1100 a month and for just me it's around $550 a month and this is just for medical. Can you believe this? So there is no way that we can afford COBRA for the two of us. So what I'm thinking is we will cover just me and pay out-of-pocket for the IVF stuff for DH that falls under his lifetime maximum. I need to verify how this works and how much it will cost to do it this way. DH never goes to the Dr but I'm afraid that if he's not covered something will happen. I was paying $420 a month for the tow of us so $100 difference isn't a huge deal for us. We know that we want to continue this IVF cycle so we will do what we have to do to make it work. I just can't believe how expensive this COBRA crap is. How do they expect people on unemployment to be able to afford this? You can't.

Things are going well. I'm feeling good these days besides the weight gain from the Lupron. I've gained between 8-10 lbs and miserable. I've never been at this weight and I'm hoping that it goes away with time. Baby weight is one thing, but Lupron weight gain is NOT ok. GO AWAY!!!!!!!!!

Hope everyone has a great holiday weekend!:) I know I will! Shopping for new clothes that FIT!!!!!!!:)

Tootles!
xoxo
Lauren

..HSG and Results..

2010-08-26T12:03:00.000-07:00

Hi blog world!

So I had my HSG today. My first one was in July of 09 and it went well. Not as painful as I had thought it would be. I worked myself up for nothing as usual. Tubes were clear. This HSG I was nervous for, but not as bad. I knew that I would experience cramping but nothing like I experienced today!!!!! Holy Crap! When I had my cryosurgery in April to remove pre-cancerous cells, it was very painful and almost passed out. I knew my cervix was very tender and sensitive and figured I might feel the same pain today. Boy was I right!

My lovely sis-n-law (SIL) was nice enough and took me to my appointment. This helped calm my nerves. I was lucky enough to get the same Dr as last time and she was such a sweetheart!!! She was so kind and gentle. I was able to relax my legs more than when at the OBGYN and she let me basically lay down with my legs only propped a little. Much more comfortable than being in stirrups. She explained what she was doing at each point and as soon as she put the catheter in through my cervix, I instantly started to cramp. It wasn't bad just yet. Then she put the dye in and bam, the intense cramping started. I was able to look at the monitor and see the dye pour out through my tubes (yay!!!) and this helped distract me. Then she had me turn to my left, then turn to my right, and then back on my back and this was the worst cramping I have ever felt (besides my periods)! It was awful. I couldn't concentrate on the monitor anymore and just wanted the damn catheter to come out. I told her how bad it was hurting and she thankfully was done and took it out immediately.

I had some minor cramping after but nothing I couldn't handle. My tubes are completely clear and they both look great!:) Awesome news even though I don't need my tubes for IVF! Now we are just waiting on my DH's SA and then for Sept. 1 to get here for AF to not show so I can call my RE to get this cycle going. One more thing I can check off my list, HSG DONE!

Some possible good news:

I had a job interview today that if I get the job, we will have the most amazing infertility benefits. It will be such an answer to our prayers!!!!

We would have:

*6 IUI attempts (even though we aren't doing IUI due to male factor infertility)
*4 IVF attempts including all medications
*5,000 in adoption assistance
*DH gets two weeks paid time off when the baby is born
*12 weeks full pay for maternity leave under short-term disability
*24 weeks time off without pay for FMLA
*Daycare assistance
*Flexible work schedule

Can you say AWESOME????

Company "Blank" is rated of the 50 best companies to offer such amazing family planning benefits. They are geared towards family and this is exactly the kind of company I want to work for!

I think the interview went well. I stumbled on a pretty easy question but I don't think it will hurt my chances. I just got nervous. I want this job so bad! I know that if it's God's will, it will work out. I just hate the waiting! All I seem to do lately is wait, and wait some more!

Please keep my DH and I in your prayers! We really need this job in this time in our lives and it would relieve so much stress in the baby-making!!!!

I'll let you know how it goes!

Till then, Happy Weekend!!!!! :)

-Lauren

..Just waiting..

2010-08-23T20:20:00.000-07:00

This seems to be the story of my life lately! WAITING and more WAITING!

Some things I don't mind waiting for, but when it comes to having a family, I'm done WAITING!

Even with the loss of my job, I never thought we would be waiting for this long to start our 2nd IVF cycle. It's tough and I'm really annoyed by it all.

I never updated you all on what my Dr decided to do after my blood results were in from my appointment a little over a week ago. I didn't end up seeing my Dr, but the other Dr in the office who I like as well. I knew from the beginning from the way she was talking, she wasn't going to put me on Provera. My blood tests came back fine and I was told to wait it out till Sept. 1 to let AF arrive on her own if possible. Even without a period, they said I could go ahead and schedule my HSG (weird since your suppose to do this between CD 5-10 of your menstrual cycle). My HSG is this Thursday 8/26 at 10:00 AM. My SIL is taking me just in case I experience some pain and I'm unable to drive....I'm so thankful she is here to help me and is so supportive!:) With the pain I felt from my cryosurgery, I just want to be extra cautious this time around because I don't want to experience this kind of pain again since it involves my cervix. My DH will have his SA done this week or next depending on the day they have open for him to go in and drop it off. Enough said on that subject.

I'm stressing, and I'm stressing a lot. My insurance will be ending Sept 1st and I have no clue how soon COBRA kicks in. I'm afraid to have all this done in the next week and to get a bill in the mail because they processed the claim after Sept 1. which would mean I have no coverage (unless COBRA goes in effect immediately). I just don't want any surprises. I just hate no knowing if I will have a job with infertility coverage. Health Insurance never used to be such a huge priority on my list when choosing a job. Now that I'm married and have so many health issues, it's on the top of my list of being the most important thing I'm looking for in a job. My DH and I have decided that it's worth it to pay the two months of COBRA (the time we need to complete our IVF cycle) to continue with this IVF cycle. If we get our BFP, then we will cancel COBRA and either sign up for our own personal health plan so I have OB coverage, or if I have a job, choose the best HMO/HMO type plan they have even if there is no infertility coverage. If we don't get our BFP, then we would have to wait, just like before. I would have exhausted all my IVF coverage and even if I did land a job with the same company again, I would have to wait till next July again to start round #3 because this is when open enrollment is to change health coverage. So everything is up in the air right now. All I know is we are going forward with our plan and praying and hoping we get our BFP! If this means we only have one child (for now), we are ok with this! We will just be so happy and blessed with the one little miracle we have!:)

I had another interview today with the same company who laid me off but I don't like the position. It's a high level receptionist position with no room for flexibility. Meaning Dr's appointments would have to be after work or before and this would not work with all the IVF and reg OBGYN appointments I have. It's a very strict 8-5 job and a 7 AM monitoring appointment would make me late to work. So, I'm in a tough position. The job offers the same benefits I have now but I wouldn't even be able to use them. I would be stuck at work all the time with only a 30 minute lunch. I had another interview last Friday that went well, but the insurance only covers myself, not my DH. If they offer me a job, I will be very honest with them about the only reason I would deny their offer is because of the health insurance hoping they will be able to work something out with me. I have no idea what their plans cover and I'm not too sure how to go about finding this out without giving away too much personal information. Any advice on this matter would be much appreciated!

I have another interview on Thursday evening with a Dental Office that pays well. It would be a great experience and hoping they offer good health insurance! Crossing my fingers!

How I'm feeling physically:

Thankfully, I no longer feel the crazy symptoms of the Lupron anymore. I've been nauseous pretty much every day usual at night when trying to fall asleep. I know this is a symptom that goes along with endo so it's a norm for me and it doesn't worry me, it's just a crappy feeling. I have been crampy off and on but no spotting or bleeding. I'm very bloated like always. Lately, I've been having those sharp pains (endo pains) and it concerns me a little. I'm hoping that if it is starting to grow back, that it's growing slowly so that it doesn't interfere with this IVF cycle...please! This is why I want to get started so bad....I want to beat the endo from taking over again. Once I'm pregnant, the endo won't be so bad at least in my uterus and on. I have it other places so it can still grow even without a period unfortunately. I've been really tired lately and haven't been able to stay up like I normally can. I've been listening to my body when it tells me it's tired and making myself go to bed. I've been trying to not take my sleeping pills to see how I do sleeping on my own. I have some good nights, and some bad nights. But I like knowing that I do have nights where I can fall asleep on my own and STAY asleep. I'm a clock watcher and this is the main reason I have to take sleeping pills...I can't stay asleep. It's awful! But, for some reason I'm doing pretty good right now.

This summer has been crazy and I haven't been the best at sticking to my IVF diet and exercising. But, now will all this time off, I have no excuse to get back to 100%!

Every morning I hope to find spotting or bleeding! But of course I'm always disappointed! I'm counting down the days till Sept 1. and I can't wait to get this show on the road! Everyone has been so supportive and feels so positive about this cycle. I hope they are right! I'm trying to stay as positive as I can regardless of our situation! I know a job will come through and that God will take care of us. He knows what we desire and he will provide in due time...His timing!!!! I have to trust this. It's hard, but I have to. DH has been awesome through all of this and I couldn't imagine going through this without him. He gets me and understands me and I love him so much for this! Not everybody does get me and he is a true blessing!

I hope to have great news within the week. I will update as soon as I have more news on when this cycle will be starting. Praying my HSG goes well and comes back clear. Praying the DH's SA is better than 7/09 SA! Praying for our dreams to come true and that we bring home our miracle baby next June!:)

I hope everyone is doing well. Praying for all the BFP's out there and for all many, many successful IUI and IVF, and FET cycle's! Just BELIEVE! It will happen, and it will happen for all of us some way or another!

Talk to you all soon!

Much Love,

Lauren

..Finally..

2010-08-12T20:43:00.000-07:00

I finally spoke with my RE and I am going in tomorrow morning at 7:30 for blood work/ultrasound. From there, they will see what's going on and hopefully start me on Provera tomorrow night. My nurse said that she will send me home with a prescription for provera and will start that night based on the blood work and ultrasound results. To me, this is the only way to get AF to start to nasty self. Then one she arrives, I will go for my HSG between days 5-10, go for a follow-up about two weeks later and then wait again for AF. Once she arrives again, then I will most likely start Lupron for about a week to suppress my system to be able to start stims. So things are finally coming a long. I've been waiting so long for my stupid period to start. It's been driving me crazy.

I've got a lot going on right now and I'll update more later. I just wanted to let everyone know that the next step has started and we are one step closer to our baby!

I'll update tomorrow after my appointment!

Thanks for all your love and support! Means so much to me!:)

Much Love,
Lauren

..Still waiting..

2010-08-03T10:20:00.000-07:00

So I'm still waiting...waiting ever so patiently on AF!!! It has been over a month now since my last Lupron shot so you would think it would be out of my system by now. But no, still no AF! It's starting to frustrate me. I just want to get this next IVF cycle started. My nurse at my RE's office called to check in yesterday, but I missed the call so I'm waiting to hear back from her again. I want to ask how much longer I need to try to wait for AF to come on it's own and when we would try to make it start if it never comes. So hopefully they give me something to make it start so we can get the testing on it's way so we can start stims. My insurance lasts until the last day of August then Cobra kicks in if I haven't found another job by then. I actually have an interview tomorrow with my same company who laid me off so I'm crossing my fingers I get the job so I can continue having full fertility coverage.

So this is where I am at right now. Just waiting. I hate it! So hopefully she decides to make her appearance this week. It's gonna be a doozy of a period too. So not looking forward to this.

I'll let you know when she arrives!:)

Hope everyone is doing well!

*~*Losts*~*of*~*sticky*~*baby*~*dust*~*to*~*all*~*!!!!

Love,
Lauren

..If two pieces of bad news weren't enough, now there are 3!!!!

2010-07-24T12:12:00.000-07:00

When it rains, it pours!!!!

Bad luck always comes in 3's!!!!

I've hit the bad luck pot!!!!

I told you in my last post that the house we had a contract on fell through. We also found out that our lender mislead us and told us we qualified for the house, to then being told we weren't while deep in the middle of a contract. If this wasn't enough to deal with. The news of my boss quitting was the best news and I had was beginning to see things on the positive side. Our plan to move to CA was still in effect and I was excited about my job search.

Then on Tuesday, it all came crashing down.

I had only been at work for about 3 hours to be pulled into one of our managers office and was given the most shocking news: They were laying me off!!!!! My boss was out of town so his boss delivered the bad news!!! They say it was due to budget cuts! Not so sure I believe this. I was in complete shock and couldn't believe it! It took me awhile to process it all. I felt this was just opening the door wider to move to CA and it would give me the time to focus on really hunting for a job in CA and being free to travel for interviews. Then it hit me, on no my health insurance and IVF! I knew that my insurance could continue through Cobra and we could still do IVF but how on hearth would we ever afford Cobra? I've heard it's very expensive. Living off my DH's income, my unemployment (who knows how much this will be) how will we afford paying for Cobra and then all the co pays that come along with IVF. I strongly feel that if this is important enough to us to continue IVF, we will make it work. My DH on the other hand, isn't so sure about it anymore. I told him it would only be a handful of copay's and in the long run it will be so worth it to get our miracle baby.

I know that everything will work out. Just right now I'm having a hard time staying positive. Everything hit me yesterday and I had a huge meltdown. I'm so afraid to hit rock bottom again after doing well for so many months. This stress will not be good for my body if we continue to go through with IVF. I know my DH will come around, I just think he needs time to process it all. Thankfully, I can transfer to another position within my company if there are any available and there are. My hope is to get an interview next week and be hired before my last day on Friday. I wouldn't have to go on unemployment and I wouldn't loose my health insurance. This would be a miracle if it actually happened! I just pray that God helps me stay strong and positive throughout this tough time. My DH tends to get really stressed about money and I hope he can see beyond this and know that this is only a temporary situation. We will get through this.

I'm doing ok right now. I'm kind of numb to the whole situation. We could use all the prayers we can get right now and they are much appreciated!!!

I'll update more when I have more news about my job hunt.

Thanks for all your love and support!

-Lauren

..It's been awhile..

2010-07-21T21:21:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile since my last post so I figured it was time I post an update. Since I can't use blogger at work, I have a harder time updating my blogs. So I'm sorry for my lack of posts. I have two updates: IVF update & Life Update. I'll start with IVF.

IVF update:
Not much has changed since my last post. Yesterday marked a month since my last lupron shot. Today is one day past my normal shot day and I am now waiting for AF to arrive. I can feel stuff going on down there so I know something is gonna happen, I just don't know when. I'm hoping it's soon so that we can get started with this next cycle. Praying that everything continues to go well and as planned. So for now, I'm just waiting which I HATE DOING!

Life update:
I came home from a wonderful week in so cal to find out that I'm being laid off from my job. My last day is Friday, July 30th! I am in complete shock. They say it's due to budget cuts but I'm not sure I believe this with all the issues I've had with my boss. I found out over vacation that my boss had quit and his last day is this Friday. I was so excited to finally be free of him and to not be so stressed out at work to finding out I'm being let go! WTF!!! I was in shock for most of the day yesterday. I didn't want to think about what this all meant. First issue for me is my health insurance. As you all know, we are about to start our next IVF cycle and thought what the heck happens now. Well, thankfully I can collect unemployment. I have no idea how much this will be but at least it's something. I will be given the option to continue my health coverage through Cobra. The bad part of this is Cobra is very expensive. I will be paying whatever I paid per month plus the premium amount my employer paid. I have no clue what this amount is going to be and it worries me. How can they expect someone who is unemployed to be able to afford Cobra? We will make it work somehow. If I am paying an arm and a leg for this insurance, I might as well get my money's worth by continuing IVF. The added expense of baby would be tough if I didn't have a job by June 2011. I doubt this will be the case. I'm confident I will find something in the next few months. I just pray we can afford everything.

My husband tends to stress about money and he seems to be okay with things right now and is being very supportive. I just hope he stays this way. I don't need the added stress of his worry about money. We always have found a way to get by when money was tight. Thankfully we have supportive families that won't see let us fall apart. God has a plan for us and I have to trust in Him and be confident that he will provide.

Then to add more stress, our house that we have a contract on is not going so good. It's a short-sale and the banks are screwing with us. They keep counter offering higher and higher and won't budge on their offer. After leaving so cal we decided to withdraw from the contract. We don't want to keep going around and around with the banks to only come to an end with no house. Our options suck right now as far as house options go. We have decided on a new plan that we are very excited about. We feel that God is opening so many doors to our new plan with the house falling through and me being laid off. Everything happens for a reason and I know that God wouldn't give us something we couldn't handle. He obviously has a better plan for us!:) I'm bummed about it all, but have to stay strong if we want this IVF to work! I can now focus on me and my body and if I do become pregnant, I can ease myself back into things without the stresses of work for awhile.

I know we will be ok. It just sucks all of this had to happen at the same time. It will be hard to stick it out at my job till next Friday, but if I want to transfer within the company, I have to keep my record in good standing. I've applied to 4 jobs within my company and 7 outside. Out of the 11 jobs, one has to come through. We shall see!

I'll update again once AF starts to fill you all in on the next steps. As of now, I'll go in on CD3 for blood work and then between days CD5-CD10 I will go in for my HSG. Then wait for our follow up about two weeks later. It's almost here and I'm so excited!:)

Thanks again for your continued support!

Talk to you all soon!
Lauren

..count your blessings..

2010-07-07T21:59:00.000-07:00

Count your blessings..

For some, conceiving a child is done by sharing an intimate

moment with your significant other.

For me, I have to PAY to have a child!

How is this fair?

"Oops, we're pregnant"

"This wasn't planned, it just happened"

"I've only been off birth control a month and I'm pregnant"

"I missed a few days of the pill, I'm pregnant"

"We weren't really trying"

"We conceived naturally"

These are the words I hear from those who don't have to

PAY for their child!

This is how our child is conceived:

By IVF w/ICSI

What does this mean?

This means they take my eggs put them in a dish,

and directly inject them with sperm.

This way bypasses the issues of the sperm fertilizing the egg

on it's own in the dish.

(this is the case when you have sperm issues).

Be careful with the choice of words you choose when speaking

to a woman who is suffering from infertility.

Refrain from saying, "You have plenty of time to have babies"!

This isn't the case for us suffering with infertility.

This is one of the comments that is the most hard to hear.

If you are one of the lucky one's who can conceive on your own,

COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS!

I can't tell you how lucky you are!

I envy you.

My DH and I tried for 1.5 years to conceive on our own and

nothing worked.

We were trying not knowing it would never happen.

You are so blessed to be able to conceive a child

out of love.

Don't take this as a complaint or anger towards those

who can conceive naturally.

I'm just simply pointing out how hard it is to accept

the fact your is child being created from a petri dish with

someone else's hands!

I am forever grateful for this 2nd chance at having a baby

through IVF!

God has placed us here in this situation for a reason.

I have to TRUST this.

Our baby will be loved beyond belief!!!!!

Thanks for reading.

STICKY BABY DUST TO ALL SOON TO BE 2011 MOMMIES!

LOVE,

LAUREN

..my appointment with our new RE for IVF#2..

2010-07-02T20:35:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone!!!
Today was my appointment with our new RE to discuss IVF#2! It went wonderful. Deep down I knew there was going to be more waiting, but I was so hoping we would be able to start right away (the week we got back from vacation 7/19th). I was sooooo wrong. Let me just get right to it.

I was greeted by the front desk staff who were so sweet! Plus #1. I saw my Dr and we talked for about 40 mins or so. He went over my medical records from my previous clinic and my OB records. He wanted to understand my history. He then asked when my last lupron shot was! Umm, last Wednesday!:( He said that we need to allow time for my body to get rid of the lupron so that I can get my period. He said expect it by the end of July beginning of August. Then on CD1, give us a call and schedule your CD3 bw/us. He wasn't me to also repeat the HSG between CD5-10, have my DH give another semen analysis and schedule a follow up with him two weeks after AF starts. This is when he will have had the chance to look at and review everything to make his determination on whcih protocol to use and we will be on our way to starting stims. He is suggesting the Lupron Stop protocol. Not as many days of lupron and once period starts, then stop the lupron and go straight into stims. I can't believe I have to wait some more!!!!! I knew I would. I just want this now so bad. So we will be doing this cycle around the same time as the last Aug/Sept. This is kinda hard for me. I don't want another disappointment. But I feel great with my new RE and I have confidence in him that he will get me pregnant very soon.

He has concerns about my premature ovarian reserve. We know that in having this, you produce fewer eggs of not so good quality.. He is going to do test that will count how many eggs I have so we can get a better idea of how bad it really is (it's a blood test but I can't remember the name). He said if I were 41, he would def recommend donor eggs. But since I'm only 31 he really wants to give my eggs a chance. The fertilization report from my first cycle is what concerns him. 9 eggs, out of the 9 only 5 were mature, only 2 fertilized and only one survived. But, we are going to give it a try and go from here. Last time I had a leading follicle that was way too big to use and he wants to avoid this situation again. The lupron stop protocol helps the follicles all grow at about the same time and roughly the same size. I had follicles last time ranging in the 14-18 range and one that was almost 30mm.

There are only 2 Dr's in this office. If I don't see him, I will see the other dr not like 10 others. I won't feel like a number. He says that he likes to do his patients ER/ET but there are times when it just doesn't work out. So this made me happy. All procedures will happen in the Rockville, MD office.
So now I have more time to focus on body, staying stress free and enjoy my summer. I can't wait for my period to start. Never thought I would say this haha. I'm thinking it's going to be a Sept ET again with the hopes of a June baby!:-)

I feel like I"m forgetting something.

Thanks for all your support! Means a lot to me!

Now I have a new countdown to look forward too!

Happy 4th!!!!

Much Love,
Lauren

..Tomorrow is the BiG DaY..

2010-07-01T21:09:00.000-07:00

Sorry about the lack of posts. I can't post blogs at work anymore and that's where I write the most. So, I tend to forget to email myself my saved post(in a word document) to myself from my work computer so I can then post when I get home. But, better late than never right?

Soooooooooo, tomorrow is the BiG Day - My IVF#2 appointment with our new RE! I'm so excited but yet so nervous. I've had an upset tummy all day and I know it's my nervous getting the best of me. I just can't wait to find out all the details and when my cycle will actually be starting. My new insurance kicked in today so let's see how this goes this time around. I called Anthem today to ask them a question about my benefits. I wanted to know if my prescription drug plan through Express Scripts would require me to order my meds through them and not a speciality pharmacy. My 1st IVF my insurance would not allow me to order through a speciality pharmacy to get the discounted price and I payed $10,000 for my meds (well insurance did but this was taken out of my $12,500 lifetime maximum). I refuse to pay this much again when I could have gotten them for half the price. The rep said we can order them through whoever but that we have to pay for them out-of-pocket and submit a claim to be reimbursed! Are you serious? We don't have $$$$ just laying around right now. If this is the case, I have no idea how we will pay for them. This worries me. But, it will all work out and I just have to relax and take it one day at a time.

My appointment is tomorrow at 12:30. I will post an update as soon as I can. I've also started a youtube TTC Vlog (trying to conceive video blog) that I will be doing videos throughout my IVF journey.

You can find me at: http://www.youtube.com/profile?user=toosassy1979#p/u/0/ExI_gz2L-JU

Please excuse my look, I had a killer headache and I was trying to do the video before my husband got home so he wouldn't make fun of me and make me nervous haha. I'm hoping to post a video on how my appointment went. I'm going to try my best!:)

I need to get some sleep so I'm at my 100% tomorrow and can focus on everything the Dr says since I've been forgetting things lately.

Thanks again for your continued support!

More to update soon!

God Bless,
Lauren

..we will meet soon my precious one..

2010-06-23T20:47:00.000-07:00

Dear my precious little one,

It has taken 31 years for us to finally get the chance to meet.

I always dreamed of you as a little girl.

What you would look like, how you would act.

My heart yearned for you!

You felt so close, but yet so far away.

My heart has a piece missing....YOU!

I can see you in my dreams.

I feel you.

Your there.

Soon we will meet my sweet baby.

You are so wanted and already LOVED more than anything.

The time has come to bring you home.

Mommy is free of disease in her body.

My belly is waiting for you.

I'm ready for you...so is your Daddy!

He aches for you.

We are ready to embrace you and never let you go.

We can't wait to meet you!

To see your beautiful little eyes glimmer with happiness.

We love you sweet baby!

Only a few more weeks and we hope to bring you home.

God is by your side...don't be afraid.

Mommy and Daddy are waiting for you!

You have Nana's and Papas who are so excited to me you.

Aunts and Uncles.

Cousins.

Show us your beautiful face.

Mommy can't stop dreaming about you.

I see you as a beautiful little girl.

Aurora Elizabeth...so precious in every way.

Maybe you'll surprise and be a handsome little boy.

Anthony Joseph.

We love you no matter who you are.

See you soon my baby!

We love you more than you'll ever know!

Love,

Mommy & Daddy

..COUNTDOWN IS ONNNNNNNN..

2010-06-21T20:07:00.000-07:00

The countdown is on....
There are only 10 days left till our appointment with our new RE for IVF#2!!!!!!!!!

I never thought this day would come. I've been waiting for this day for a very long 9 months. After a failed IVF last September, I really thought that God had a different plan for our lives. I couldn't see the other possibilities. My brain was so foggy that I couldn't see beyond the fog. After some time had passed and I was able to see clearly again, I figured out plan b. My DH wasn't really on the same page as me. He had no thoughts of when we do another IVF again. I would ask him when he would be ready and he said he didn't know. This was very hard for me to hear. I was so ready to try again and I felt alone in my decision making. I tried to switch our health insurance, but our circumstances weren't a worthy enough cause to be able to change. Annual enrollment is every June. That was 9 months away. I knew I could chance and have full infertility coverage again. I held onto this thought. I had already made my decision that we would start our next IVF cycle in July 2010 even with my DH being against it. I had to look forward to something. I knew we couldn't afford to pay out-of-pocket so this was my only hope.

Well, plan b is about to become a reality. July 2nd is our appointment and I couldn't be more excited. I'm feeling really good about this cycle and have faith that God will answer our prayers.

Due to going on vacation the 2nd week of July, I most likely won't be starting until the week of the 19th. My cycle is already suppressed so I'm not sure if I will go straight into stims or if I will have to take BCPs to get AF to start. I don't get AF becaues of my 1x a month Lupron Depot shot. A typical cycle with my new fertility clinic, they start you on BCPs to suppress your cycle so they can control it, then about 2 weeks in start you on daily lupron shots and then stop BCPs to get AF to start to start stims. I've heard that woman who are in my situation have gone straight into stims as long as there uterine lining was thin enough. I can't start while on vacation because of all the appointments. If I'm starting with BCPs/lupron then I can which I'm kinda hoping for. I want to at least start something. Waiting till after vacation feels like forever.

My last 1x a month lupron shot is this Wednesday along with my follow-up from my sonogram from last Wednesday. The pain is still there so I'm really curious if it's the endo growing back since they saw no cysts.

Were so much closer to our dream coming true. The thought that I could have our little miracle growing inside my belly by July/August puts the hugest smile on my face. DH is so on board. He's ready and he can't wait to be a daddy. Seeing him with our niece is the most amazing thing for me. He just melts when he sees her. He is going to melt when he has one of his own!:) I just love him!xoxo

Proud Uncle:

Hope everyone is doing well in their IF journey.

Praying for all the BFPs this summer!!!! Hoping to be one of them!:)

~*~sTicKy bAbY DuST tO aLL~*~

Lauren

..It's been awhile..

2010-06-17T19:34:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile since my last post. Sorry for being gone so long. Things have been pretty hectic for us lately. We recently just bought a house and it took up most of nights for the past three weeks. But it was so worth it! In my last post I talked about the after effects from my cryo surgery. A lot has happened since then.

That Friday after my cryo I started bleeding. It was very heavy and it did not stop until the following Friday. It was very annoying since I can't wear tampons anymore. I've worn more pads these past few months that I ever have. 5-6 days of pads is not bad, but 2 weeks+ really irritates the inside of my thighs. Really sucks. These 7 days of wearing pads irritated the heck out of my skin and thankfully it soon stopped. That Monday when I got into bed, my lower back and kidneys started hurting. Wasn't sure what it was from and then I started to get those sharp shooting pains in my ovary area like I always do when I have an endo flare up. They didn't go away so I took some prescription motrin and it seemed to help. The pains were consistent and I woke up with them. I made an appointment with my OBGYN for that Thursday to get checked out. She did an internal exam, said my cervix looked great from my cryo but that she didn't feel any cysts. This didn't mean that they weren't there. She gave me an order to go get a sonogram to get things checked out. Up until my appointment I still was having the same pains. My sonogram was this past Wednesday and good news is they didn't see any cysts! Whoo Hoo!!!! The Radiologist said the pains could be from either car tissue or adhesion's. My Dr also said that it could be the endo growing back because Lupron isn't perfect. I have my follow up with my OB on the 23rd to discuss what to do if anything. I"m not too worried since there are no cysts. But if the endo is back, I'm not sure what will happen. We have only 15 more days till our appointment with our new RE and we don't want anything to set us back from starting IVF next month.

I'm feeling better. Still have the pains here and there. But not as bad. I have my last Lupron shot the 23rd and this is one more step closer to our baby. Not sure if I will Lupron this next IVF cycle. My old RE said she wanted to do the micro dose lupron cycle this time so we'll see if my new RE suggests the same. I'm counting down the days. I feel really good about things this time. Still feeling positive and trusting in the Lord and His will for our lives.

Diet is going ok. I've been having a lot of sweets temptations lately and soda. I gave in for awhile, but have now stopped. It's been hard, but I know it's for the best. I want my body as healthy as possible to welcome our baby this time. Now we have a house to bring our baby home to and everything feels like it's all coming together so perfectly. I couldn't be happier.

I recently just finished a really great book called "Making Babies". It really helped me see the big picture and how important it is to have a healthy body when trying to conceive. It had a lot of great advice and tips that I'm not incorporating into my daily routine. As hard as it was to go through a BFN, it taught me a lot and I know what to expect this go around. I won't be in the dark and wonder an worry what everything means. I'm sure I'll have questions, but I'm so thankful I know how the process works. I have people I can talk to and trust who are going through what I'm going through.

Congratulations to all my DS friends who had their babies this month! I'm so happy for you all!:)

Hope everyone is doing well.

Thanks,

Lauren

..HELLO WaTeR..

2010-06-03T11:31:00.000-07:00

Hey there....

Haven't felt like posting much lately. Maybe because I haven't had the chance to be consistant with my exercising so there really isn't anything new to update. I'm still doing good. The house hunt has taken up all of our free time(not a bad thing). But the diet is still going good. I also picked up a couple of books to read to help me get through this journey. So far, I'm very happy with my choices. If you are interested in the books I am reading, here they below:

Conquering Infertility by Alice D. Domar, PH.D. - Dr. Alice Domar's Mind/Body Guide to Enhancing Fertility and Coping with Infertility.
Incnoceivable by Shannon Woodward - Finding peace in the midst of infertility{great personal journey that we can all so relate to}
A woman's guide to overcoming depression by Archibald Hart, Ph.D and Catherine Hart Weber, Ph.D

I bought them all on Amazon for just $.97 a piece. I couldn't believe what I great deal they were. Reading these types of books really hope me stay on track and focus on the positives. Maybe they can do the same for you!

Reason for my post:

I had my Cryo surgery yesterday. I was told that I would have mild discharge/leakage. Ok, nothing a little panty liner can't handle. Oh boy, was I wrong. I went to bed last night just very wet down there like slippery CM. Then I woke up this morning and thought I peed myself. I went to the bathroom and pulled my pants down to find my underwear completely soaked through and my pants soaked in that area! Didn't smell like pee, but what else could it have been. I showered, changed into my normal thong for the day to seconds later soaking them. I had to put the granny panties back on and use a pad..a pad..no panty liner. Of course when I got to work I googled it. Call me Mrs. Web MD. From what I understand, it's very normal. It's the dead cells leaking out. The discharge can be heavy and watery like. So I did not pee myself! haha No smell. Just feels like I'm peeing in my pants. Not the greatest feeling...but it's better than blood.

I feel much better today. Only a few cramps here and there. My cervix has to heal before any fun can take place...not happy about this one. But, it's not like we are trying to make a baby naturally so it doesn't bother us so much. Lupron definitely affects your libido!=( No bueno!!!!

I would like to give a shout to say congrats to some of my wonderful DS friends:

*Congrats Bethlehambaby on your BFP!!!
Truly a miracle!

*Congrats Mamijo on your BFP and your doubling beta #'s!

*Congrats on your baby boy Suzannelin!

*Nicolerb yay for your natural BFP!

*Jessi2bamommy congrats on your little boy!
He's adorable.

Looking forward to many more BFP's and births this month! This would have been our month if we would have gotten a BFP last Septemeber. Always thought it was a little girl! She would have made her grand appearance sometime in June. Hopefully next year we will be holding our little girl!

Lauren

..1 month & Cryo Surgery..

2010-06-02T12:33:00.000-07:00

One month from today I will be sitting in my new RE's office preparing for IVF#2! It's finally just around the corner. I have been waiting for this day for so long that it doesn't feel real. Hubby is so on board this time and this has been huge for me. I don't feel so alone. I was always so afraid to ask what he was feeling. He finally told me that having a baby is more important than a house and more important than anything else in this world! WOW was I shocked when I heard these words come out of his mouth. We're so close to having our baby! Praying this is God's will and that we accept whatever he brings to us.

Cryo Surgery was today to remove precancerous cells from my cervix. This is my 2nd one and this time hurt like HELL! I'm dry from the Lupron so I tore when she put the speculum in(ouch) and then they take this gun looking thing that shoots out the stuff to freeze your cervix and hold it on your cervix for a very long five minutes...horrible, awful never want to experience this pain again. I had intense cramping that I had to endure for the 5 minutes. Thankfully, I'm comfortable talking with my Dr when she's down yonder and she started talking to me and this helped distract the pain. My Dr is so awesome I just love her! I layed there after for about 5 minutes thinking I was gonna pass out the cramping was so bad. My face was beat red(no joke) and I hurt coming out of her office and I still have cramping....just not as bad thank God! She did a pap smear before to see if there was any more growth of the bad cells and I will be rechecked on 9/2/2010. There is a 20% it will occur again. I'm hoping it doesn't. So I can cross this of my list! Yay!!!!

Things are good. I'm really busy and finding it hard to find time to exercise. We are in the process of buying house so pretty much any free night we have, we are looking at houses with our realtor. It's fun, but draining. We are so eager to find a house! Bringing home a baby to a HOUSE and not an APARTMENT is where we want to be. I'm confident this will happen soon we just have to be patient. Patient...what's that?

My mood is a bit better. My Dr took me off birth control(was suppose to help with the side effects from the Lupron shot) to get ready for July when we start the fertility treatments(IVF). She said if things get too bad to where I can handle myself, she'll put a call into my RE's office and see what can be done in the meantime. Hoping things don't get any worse. If the mood gets worse, it's gonna be a long month and a half.

Looking forward to the summer! Lots of exciting things happening!
CA in July, IVF in July and moving into a new house!=)

Hope everyone is doing well!

****Baby dust to all****

Lauren

..oh the moodiness..

2010-05-27T07:35:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I had my 2nd Lupron Depot shot. Ouch! The nurse really knows how to jab that long needle right into my muscle in my booty! My DH does them so much better. They require me to come in which is so lame when my DH knows how to do them...he gave me these same kind of shots except they were progesterone for 2 weeks and they still say I have to come in. So irritating. So 2 down and 1 more to go on June 23. We are getting closer and closer to July and I'm more excited than ever.

Overall, the side effects have been mild. Nothing too out of control. Well I've noticed over the past week or so that my mood has changed. I'm irritated easily and my DH really gets on my nerves. I'm fine when I'm at work, and then as soon as I get home I'm so pissy and just want to be left alone. All I feel like doing is screaming or yelling at someone. It's pretty intense. I've had to walk away from a few situations to calm down and so far it's working. My walks definitely help. People just in general are irritating me. I'm already an emotional person and my emotions are out of control right now. I'm thinking it's probably because of the Lupron. I can't find any other reason why. Everything in my life is going well and there is no real reason for me to feel so down. I'm coping with the moodiness pretty well and DH seems to be ok with it. He keeps asking me "are you in a mood" and I say no because I don't want to start anything. I hate when he asks this..his Mom asks me the same thing and it's so annoying to me. No need to ask this stupid question in my opinion. All it does is put me in more of a mood. My body has had a month to process the Lupron and they say the 2nd-3rd month gets better so we'll see.

I was scheduled to have my 2nd cryo surgery tomorrow to remove precancerous cells from my cervix, but I had to reschedule for next Wednesday at noon. I'm nervous again because it's was really uncomfortable last time and it hurt. I'm hoping this time is better. I'm one of those individuals who did NOT get this from HPV thank the Lord. I just have them and we don't know why. The only thing that really bothers me about the procedure, is the more times you have it, the harder it is for your cervix to dilate. Most woman end up having c-sections because their cervix won't dilate past 1-2. This is ok with me. As much as I want to have the experience of child birth, I know what it feels like to be cut open and what the recovery is like so I know I can handle it. Maybe I'll be one of the lucky ones and actually fully dilate!

Other than that, I'm doing pretty good. I'm super hungry lately which is driving me crazy! I sit at my desk for 8 hours and I'll I want to do is snack and snack on bad stuff! I feel good and that is what matters.

I just want August to be here. I want to know if we are having our baby or not! I pray this is our time! Please Lord!

Hope everyone is doing well!

Lauren

..worrying and the what-ifs..

2010-05-24T07:57:00.000-07:00

Hi blog friends!
I hope everyone had a nice weekend.
I've been off-track this past week and I can feel it!
Today is a new day and focused on being more disciplined.

I didn't do terrible, I just had a harder time sticking to my IVF diet due to our busy weekend last weekend and no grocery shopping. It was hard to find things that I could eat that followed my IVF diet. Haven't had the chance to walk and it's driving me crazy! The freaking rain just won't stop. I hate working out in doors, but at this point, I don't think I have much choice. It's gloomy out right now so I have no clue what I'm going to do tonight.

For the most part I still feel really positive and hopeful about things. I'm really trying to stay focused. Sadly, the doubt and worry slip in here and there. This weekend was hard. I don't know why. I was more emotional and kept thinking about if this doesn't work, how am I going to feel and how am I going to deal with the sadness and heartache? It's a feeling I never want to feel again. I'm constantly looking at the future and what our lives will be like in the next 9 months if I do become pregnant. They are HAPPY thoughts and these are the thoughts that I hold onto tight. I don't want them to go away. They feel real and they bring me so much peace. The months/days leading up to an IVF cycle are so exciting. You don't know the outcome yet and all you can focus on is the possibility of this really working. The fear sets in and all you can do is just hold on and ride the roller coaster that you pray ends in a BFP! I know it's out of my control what the outcome is. I just wish I knew how it would turn out. I'm terrified of the feelings I will feel if it doesn't work.

It might not be so terrifying if I knew we could try again right away. But I don't know if we can. It all depends on how much this cycle costs and if we have $$$ left over. Otherwise, we have to find $20,000 to fund 6 more cycles. I just have to remember that it's normal to have these feelings and there is nothing I can do to change the situation. I have to keep trusting in God and trust that he will listen to our prayers and answer the desires of my heart.

All I keep thinking about is hearing the news "congrats your pregnant" and how it will all feel! Last night I had a visual of me having our baby and my husband seeing him/her for the first time. It was the most precious sight ever!=) I can't wait for this day!

Overall, I'm doing great! Lots of exciting things happening and I look forward to what God has in store for us!

***NEGATIVE THINKING NOT ALLOWED***
***BRING ON THE POSITIVITY***

STICKY BABY DUST TO ALL!!!!!

Lauren

..Topic: IVF babies shouldn't get babyshowers!..

2010-05-20T10:27:00.000-07:00

So yesterday on my way to work I was listening to the radio(99.5 the Kane Show) and the topic of IVF babies and baby showers came up. This lady called in asking for their opinion if it was right or not that her friend was having a baby shower for her baby that was made through IVF! I was appalled. I couldn't believe what she was saying. She stated that she thinks that IVF babies are not worthy of baby showers because they were conceived in a dish. Are you freaking kidding me? It's a BABY no matter how it was conceived or where it came from. It's a miracle and a blessing that couples are able to have a child through IVF. The baby is no different than one conceived naturally. I hate the way some people view infertility treatments. Just makes me sick.

I know for my husband and I, we are blessed to have been given another opportunity to try IVF again. We are one of those unlucky couples who cannot conceive naturally and without infertility treatments, we would not be able to have a child of our own. How can this be considered wrong? My husbands family is very Catholic. I was baptized Catholic about a year ago to be married in a Catholic Church with a full mass. I was raised protestant and still consider myself a protestant. I had to go through 9 months of classes in order to be baptized. Of course the topic of birth control and conceiving came up. Birth Control is looked down upon and IVF is not accepted. They believe that if God wanted you and your husband to have children, you would. If your infertile, seeking out infertility treatments is against what the Catholic church believes. They believe you should accept not being able to have children and accept your life without them. I think adoption is ok in the Catholic Church, but I'm not positive. Knowing this information, it makes me really nervous and uncomfortable for his family members to find out how we conceived our child. It's not that we want to keep it a secret, we just don't want to hear their opinions in how wrong we are. It's not about them, it's about what my husband and I want and what we believe. His close family members, are supportive and my family is very supportive. Ignorant people really bother me and however my baby is conceived it deserves to be celebrated! My apologies if I have explained wrong what Catholics believe . This is what I was taught from the Church I was married in. I don't have bad things to say about the Catholic faith, I just don't agree with some of their teachings.

I hope that people can be more accepting of babies born by infertility treatments. It's such a controversial issue and it really shouldn't be. Thankfully, for the most part the people that I have shared my story with understand and support us. Our baby will be just as loved as if it were conceived naturally!

It's my journey, my decision and my choice to go down this path of IVF and I wouldn't be doing it if I didn't think this is what God wanted for us! I truly believe this. This wasn't an easy decision to make. We are so excited for this next journey and are ready to embrace everything that comes with it!

Lauren

..July 2nd, 2010..

2010-05-18T12:59:00.000-07:00

::I am so happy to report that I officially have a date for my 1st appointment for IVF#2 with our new Clinic::

July 2nd, 2010 @ 1:00pm!=)

I have a day to finally countdown to. This makes it feel so much more real! New health insurance{finally}, new RE{thank you Jesus} and new::attitude::things are looking good!

I'm hoping that since my system is already shutdown by the Loestrin 24{BCP} and the Lupron shot that I won't have to do the two week suppression before my stims{injections} would start. If I go on 7/2 for my 1st appointment and I don't have to do the suppression, then when we got back from CALI on 7/18 my cycle could most likely start that week once my period starts.

Just to make my little brain happy, here is what my cycle could look like tentatively:

Micro-dose Lupron Protocol:
7/2/2010: Consultation with new fertility clinic
7/15/2010: Stop BCP to let AF start
7/19/2010: First Baseline U/S & BW appointment
If all looks good, start stims that night for roughly 2 weeks
8/1-8/6: Tentative ER date
8/1-8/6: Tentative ET date
8/15-8/20: 1st Beta
EDD: May 2011 Baby

I most likely know that I will be on the Micro-does Lupron protocol based on what my last Re told me and explained to me. That the Antagon Protocol did not work, so next we try a more aggressive approach with the Micro-dose Lupron protocol due to my Premature Ovarian Failure. But this could change. I don't care what protocol I'm on, I just want to get our BFP!

Feeling pretty good today. Not as bloated thankfully - it was starting to make me not very hungry. I could barely eat dinner last night. So I hope tonight I have a better appetite.

The countwdown is on: 45 days till my appointment.

::If you share a similar story being diagnosed with Premature Ovarian Failure and had a successul IVF, I would love to know what protocol you were on and which one's didn't work for you. Feel free to leave me a comment or email me::

Thanks for your continuted support!

Lauren

..I feel gReAt..

2010-05-17T13:10:00.000-07:00

I haven't had the chance to give an update in a few days and I miss posting. It's Monday and I typically HATE Monday's because I feel so crappy, but I don't feel so bad today. I'm tired but that is probably my only complaint. Well, I have some serious bloating going on which is making me look like I'm about 3 months pregnant but it's nothing I can't handle. hehe

Day 13
I was able to get my walk in thanks to the rain letting up. I didn't realize what a difference the walking has made. It helps so much with my bloating. We went to CPK for dinner and I did pretty well with my food choice - pasta that seemed to be pretty healthy. But of course got a darn flavored iced tea and this is cheating to me. It is so hard to not drink caffeine. I know that it's ok to have some right now, I just want to get my body prepared for when I am pregnant so it's not such a shock. So I've definitely cut down, I would say I may have caffeine about 3-4 times a week. I don't think that's so bad.

Day 14-16
My parents are in town so we spent the weekend with them at their TownHouse here in VA. I knew that it would be hard to stick to my IVF diet but figured hey, they are in town for such a short time, we are celebrating mother's day I can splurge a little. I felt soooooooooo crappy all weekend! Everything I ate made me feel so tired and gave me the worst bloated gut all weekend. I was so uncomfortable I was like NO MORE FOOD PLEASE.

Friday night we had Italian. I ordered a pomodoro pasta that is suppose to be healthy and I did ok with it. Sat lunch was Five Guys{bloating began}, Italian again for dinner another big mistake. I thought I was going to fart out my entire insides I was so bloated and gassy inside. I even walked for an hour on Sat. and I still felt this crappy. I woke up Sunday morning still bloated but it had gone down some. We had chipotle for lunch was ok, then Italian again for mother's day haha!=) Can you tell we love Italian? This actually agreed with me. I was bloated still but not neither as bad. I wasn't eating my normal breakfasts foods and I know this wasn't helping.

Not being on my routine really affects my body now. This is a good thing because this means the changes that I have made are working. I'm proud of myself for sticking with this. It's not easy giving up foods that I love so much, but if it means we get our baby, I'll do anything!!!!! We are so excited for this next chapter in our lives. We are sooooooo ready! Everything is just falling into place so nicely. Everything just feels right.

We have one more night out with the rents and fam for dinner tonight and I'm hoping they have something healthy but substantial on the menu that won't make me feel so dang bloated. Back to my whole routine tomorrow. Of course it has to be raining again. Thread mill may be my friend this week!=(

For the most part, I am still very hopeful and positive about things. Every once in awhile the doubt slips in but I make it go away pretty quickly. No matter how much I worry about things, it's not going to change the outcome. It's hard to let God take control. To trust that He knows best and that his timing is the right timing. I've never been more hopeful or positive about anything before until now. I won't deny that I'm not afraid of another BFN! I'm terrified! I day dream about our little family every night before I go to sleep as I'm lying in bed. It's what puts me to sleep. This is a happy time for me. Seeing our baby with us in our new house{which the house thing is actually happening} is the greatest visual for me. Seeing my hubby with our little {girl} is the most priceless picture! I just love it!=)

We have been given an amazing gift from my parents for a down payment for a house and this makes everything feel so surreal. We wanted nothing more than to have our first home together by the time our baby was born. It's actually going to happen. We are paying off a credit card and hope to be looking at houses in the next week or two. So you could say that we are doing great and on cloud 9 right now! Everything feels so right finally.

We are ready to embrace this next step in our lives of raising a child. We just pray that everything goes smoothly and that there are no complications in the process of getting to our BFP!

I called our new Fertility Clinic today to see if they have the July schedule up just yet and I'm just waiting for a call back. I'm so anxious to get this new patient appointment set up. I want the date to be able to count down to! haha

I hope everyone is doing well.

Keep the faith, don't loose hope and trust in the Lord!

Lauren

..Saw you one day, didn't see you the next..

2010-05-13T09:05:00.000-07:00

Being a first time IVF'er last summer/beginning of fall I didn't realize the impact a negative pregnancy test would have on me. I saw many (-)HPTs {home pregnancy tests} and just moved onto the next month hoping it would be our month. I never saw anything. Just a (-) on a cheapie pee stick. When you begin a journey of IVF no one tells you what to expect or what you will endure. They tell you the basics{they meaning the Drs}. Fortunately a good friend of mine from High School was going through similar infertility treatments and told me about this wonderful online support group called Daily Strength. This was a god send. It was a place for me to ask all my crazy, worried questions. Most of the woman had experience with IVF and they were a great resource to me. I had so many questions, concerns, and thoughts.

I am know to be a compulsive worrier! I worry about everything under the sun. I obsess over it till I'm sick! Thankfully, I'm being treated for the anxiety and it's been a tremendous help. I experienced a lot of emotions. Some very painful. The days leading up to my Egg Retrieval and Embryo Transfer were two of the hardest days. We started off with good news, to receive bad news the day of the transfer. We were left with only one surviving embryo. There were a combination of reasons of why only 1 survived and we are hoping with the change in my diet, and vitamins/supplements, it will help to improve my egg quality. That's just one of the many issues.

So back to my reason of my post. When conceiving "on your own", you don't see the embryo that you and your DH created. You could be pregnant and not even know it and it turn into a non-viable pregnancy. With IVF, you see the embryo/s. You see the amazing creation that is part of you and your husband. I did NOT KNOW I would get to see the embryo that they would implant into my uterus. How surreal is that? I went from just seeing negatives on pee sticks to actually seeing our baby! On the day of the transfer before the procedure starts, the Dr hands you a framed photo of the embryo/s that will be put in your uterus for implantation. I was in awe. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. It was our baby. It was part of me and part of my DH! It was the most incredible picture I had ever seen. Seeing this picture made it all so real. So not only have I seen (-) after (-) each month, now I'm seeing a "LIVE" embryo that may or may not make it! This was hard to accept. I then had to wait two weeks{TTW) to find out if the embryo survived. These were two of the hardest weeks I have ever experienced. I had a mental picture of the embryo becoming a viable pregnancy. Two weeks later, on 10/9/2009 I went in to my Clinic for my first beta{pregnancy blood test}. This was at 7am and I didn't find out the results till about 2pm. I'm sorry to say Lauren, but your not pregnant! I was devastated. I'll I could see was our embryo somewhere implanted in my uterus. But no, this miracle that we created didn't survive in my womb. I hated at that moment that I saw our embryo that was transferred. I wanted to go back in time and erase the moment we first saw the picture. I didn't want to know what it looked like. Hearing a (-) without seeing this precious little picture would have been much easier. It still would have been devastating after all the time, energy and money we spent in trying to make this work. I kept the picture on my nightstand for a long time. I looked at "her"{always felt it was a girl and so did my Mom} everyday and just cried. I told her how sorry I was that my uterus didn't embrace her and keep her. I felt like I had failed that my body had failed this amazing gift. So many thoughts ran through my head. One of the biggest questions I had was, where does the embryo go if it doesn't implant? Does your body absorb it or will I bleed out the embryo?

I didn't know how I was going to get through this. All I could do was think about when we could try again. At that time, waiting was not an option. I didn't care if my ovary was enlarged to about the size of a baseball, or that my body needed time to heal and rest. I just wanted our baby. Now that I look back 7 months later, I realize how important it was that we did wait. I needed time to grieve our loss. No one told me I would go through this process. It was awful. I was so so sad and I could barely get up the energy to move on. Seeing pregnant woman, or hearing of those in my family who just got their BFP's killed me. Especially when one was an accident. Here my husband and I are MARRIED and trying for a baby, but there are people who are not MARRIED and NOT trying and they get pregnant. How is this fair? I questioned everything. I questioned God the most. I did a lot of soul searching over these past 7 months and it's amazing to see where I am at today. I am at peace finally. I trust in God that this happened for a very important reason and that he would never purposely want me to be hurting. He was preparing me for this summer for our next IVF journey. This isn't about what my husband and I want, it's what God wants for our lives and there is no changing this. I've had to learn to trust all over again and believe that he will answer the desires of our hearts.

Knowing what I know now about the journey of IVF, I wish there would have been someone at my clinic who would have told me all of this. Sadly they don't. They don't have the time. Every story is different they say. This is why I started this blog. To help those first timers or to those who just need a friend who shares a similar story.

This blog is not easy for me. It's not easy sharing such a personal journey. Especially one that didn't end so happy. I debated and debated whether or not I want to share this picture with you all. But, there is just something about it that gives me that glimmer of hope! It really hits home when you stop at look at it at realize what a miracle it really is.

Here is our 1st little embryo:

created on 9/26/2009

Just a little background on this embryo:

* This is a 2-cell embryo. They typically transfer 4+ cell embryos. But since I was only left with one, they wanted to give it the best chance possible so they transferred it before it could divide again.

* The best stage to transfer an embryo is at the Blastocyst stage. For more information on Blastocysts, go here!

Day 5 Blastocyst

* Embryo Transfers typically happen between day 3 & day 5. In my situation they were afraid that my embryo would die before the transfer so they decided it was best to do a 2 day transfer with the hopes that the embryo would continue to divide once implanted.

IVF is an incredible journey! It's amazing to be able to see the process up close and personal. I feel blessed to have been given this opportunity and even more blessed that we have been given another chance. Praying for God's will everyday!

Don't give up hope! This will happen for you.

BABY DUST TO ALL!

..Amazed at what words can do..

2010-05-11T13:24:00.000-07:00

I started this new blog as a way to express my feelings and a way to reach out to others. Well it has. I have received some of the nicest comments about how inspiring I am! I never thought in a million years I would hear such things or even get this kind of feedback. It truly shows me the impact it has on others when we share our personal journeys of IF. I'm not one who goes around looking for compliments or for positive feedback on things that I do. It's not easy to share a journey of infertility. Infertility is a very lonely journey and not a lot of people understand this. Never in a million years did I think I would be dealing with this. I've accepted it. This has not been easy. I know that there is nothing I can do to change it. God has me in this situation for a reason and I'm confident that he will answer the desires of our hearts! You have to BELIEVE! It's that simple. God doesn't want me to suffer, nor does he want you to suffer. He is here to take on our burdens to allow us to live in peace. Just BELIEVE and you shall RECEIVE!

I thought I would share a few of the messages/comments I have received that mean so much to me. The names of those who wrote the messages are left out for privacy reasons.

They mean so much to me:

"I am so glad you have a plan - very empowering. I have my fingers crossed for your summer cycle. I just want it to work for you so badly! You have worked so hard for it (and continue to!) "

"I am so proud of you :) Keep up the great work and the rest will fall into place. You are so inspiring. Go you!!!!! I will keep you in my prayers."

"Lauren, I'm so glad to hear you are up walking and feeling better! You are such an inspiration. God bless!!!"

"So glad to hear things are going better for you. (sorry about your shots that make you sick ) but I love your attitude and outlook on this upcoming IVF. I am so excited with you and for you :) You are doing everything right and God is in the process of making everything perfect for you and DH. I am wishing you the best of luck and will keep you in my prayers.If you ever need a friend I will always be here for you :)"

"love reading your posts. You have such faith and enthusiasm. I know this will happen for you. You are still so young and have a lot of time to get healthy and conceive. I know your time will come soon. :)"

"Wow, Wow, Wow!!! You have a plan and a fabulous fabulous attitude. I love it! You have every right to be down in the dumps but you never are.

"I really hope that this is your time, July will be here before you know it, and you have a lot of things to keep you busy till then. I hope the lupron depo side effects go away soon, my friend had those and she didn't care too much for them either."

"Looking forward to your updates. Much love & hugs to you...... :)"

"So I just wanted to let you know that I am so proud of your new blog. I know you went through a tough time the first time around. I am sure you are really helping out many woman out there who have questions upon questions. Reading someones blog who has gone through the process once before is extremely helpful."

Thank you everyone for your wonderful comments/messages! They mean so much to me!

..Update ~ Day 6-11..

2010-05-11T11:20:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone!
As you can see I haven't posted an update since Day 5. We had a very busy weekend of moving my MIL and my FIL was in town so I have very little down time. Things went well and we got a lot done. Sunday, Mother's Day was hard this year! Last year, it was just me, my DH, SIL and MIL! Now there was a baby. Things just felt different. As much as I love my niece, it was hard for me to not feel sad. I want to be a Mom more than anything and seeing my SIL with her little girl was bittersweet as well as very emotional for me. I know my time will come. I BELIEVE this with all of my heart. I was able to enjoy the rest of the day with just my DH and it was exactly what I needed.

Day 6-11 went well for the most part. I didn't get my walk in on Thursday which was a bummer and had to wait until Sunday to walk again. I tried to stick to my meal plan as best as I could but I found it was harder not being home or at work. We ate out every meal and it was so tempting to be BAD. The only part I caved on was caffeine. I couldn't resist. I had been so good, I just told myself this is it and when Monday comes, back to no caffeine. This and the sweets have been by far the hardest for me. I have always had a big sweet tooth and all I want to do is eat candy all day at work. Some of the yummy food I had were Salmon and mashed cauliflower from Coastal Flats, Chicken Scaloppine from Macaroni Grill and a delicious Mother's Day brunch at Blue Water. I think I did very well with all the temptations that were around me. I drank decaf coffee which sucked, but didn't taste too bad.

Day 9 I finally got my walk in and it felt wonderful. This has been a huge reason of why I feel so great. I honestly can't tell you the last time I felt so calm and peaceful. I'm not going to lie and say that bad things don't creep into my head, because they do. The past few days I've been thinking about how I'm going to feel during this next IVF cycle. During the two weeks of stims (injections to produce multiple follicles) I feel great emotionally. I'm happy, excited and hopeful. Then the dreaded tww(two week wait until pregnancy test)starts. This is when the doubts really kick in. I worry that it's not going to work. That we will end up with O embryos to freeze and only 1 that survives for the transfer. This is what creeps into my head now and then. Our insurance covers this cycle, and we are hoping we are able to get two cycles out of it for baby #2! Once the $$$ is exhausted, then we are left with paying out-of-pocket $20,000 or waiting a year to try again when we can switch health insurance again to get full infertility coverage again. But, in the end I have to realized that this is all in God's hands. It's His will and His plan. I keep having dreams that it works this time. That everything I have done to prepare is the reason we get our BFP! I feel good about things.

Today, Day 11 I have incorporated Zinc & extra Folic Acid. NOTE-TO-SELF: TAKE WITH FOOD! Zinc helps with egg production, and cell division and Folic Acid is used to help prevent major birth defects of the brain and spine.
Looks like I won't get my walk in tonight. The weather here in the DC area is rainy. I could always use the tread mil in our gym at our apartment complex, but I hate exercising indoors because I get bored and I don't last long.

So things are still good. Trying to stay as positive as I can. I know that we are doing everything we can to make this work this time and this feels good. I can't believe it's already May. July seems like it's right around the corner!=)

I hope everyone is doing well. Praying for those who are waiting for their BFPs and for those who are pregnant!

Lots of sticky baby dust to all!

Lauren

..Day 5..

2010-05-06T07:42:00.000-07:00

Here I am at Day 5 already. WOW! I still can't believe I'm actually doing all of this. I'm still doing well. I spoke with my Dr yesterday about the bleeding I was having and she said that it was normal as long as I'm not soaking a pad every hour. Lovely thing about having Endometriosis is it is very painful to wear Tampons. For years I could never understand why they hurt so bad. Ever since my first IVF cycle I've had to use pads most of the time...I hate them but they feel so much better and I'm not in as much pain. I'm only spotting now, so hopefully it stays like this and it goes away.

My next Lupron shot is 5/18/10. So far the side effects aren't that bad. I'm just really tired. Just praying it's doing what it's suppose to be doing. Still taking BCPs and I don't seem to be having any issues which is great.

Day 5 I did well. I ate breakfast again, got coffee from Sbux intending to get DECAF w/WHOLE MILK and got regular I was so distracted. I was so annoyed that I did this. Then, my sweet tooth was out-of-control yesterday! I normally do pretty well for sitting at a desk 8 hours a day with the exceptional food cravings once a month. Now that I'm not having periods I have no idea where the sweets craving is coming from. It doesn't help that the ladies I work with have a constant stash of candy laying around. It's so tempting.

I had another great walk. I've never enjoyed working out or looked forward to it. It's strange for me to be excited to get home from work and eat dinner so I can go walk. It really helps that our neighborhood is full of beautiful trees.

I'm still having lots of pressure down yonder and my Dr says not to worry. Obviously if the pain gets too bad to handle, then it's something to be concerned about. I hope it goes away and stays away this time.

6 days closer to start our journey towards parenthood! I'm so ready and so excited!=)

I have to get another walk in tonight because tomorrow and Friday my father-n-law will be in town to help us move my mother-n-law so there won't be much time for exercise. Hopefully Sunday after Mother's Day festivities I can squeeze one in.

Off to eat my morning snack.

Enjoy this beautiful day and don't work too hard!

Lauren

..Day 4..

2010-05-05T09:55:00.000-07:00

***The rest of Day 3 went well. We had spaghetti for dinner that was amazing. I had a glass of whole milk for dinner{tasted like heavy cream, but so yummy} but didn't get my walk in due to the rain! Went to bed at a descent time but went to bed with a nasty headache. Overall it was a great day!

I can't believe it's already been 4 days since I started my IVF Diet!
I've been doing really well except for the getting up early in the morning part. I'm so tired lately probably thanks to the Lupron. Overall I feel pretty good. My positive attitude on things has really made a difference. I started to feel kinda yucky yesterday. I went to bed Monday night with a horrible headache and woke up with it. Then just when I thought it had stopped, the bleeding was back and heavy! I have been bleeding basically since April 9th and stopped for about 4 days for it to continue again yesterday morning. The pain/pressure on my rectum has started again and the pain when it's there is pretty intense. So I called my OBGYN and I'm waiting for a call back. I just want to make sure that nothing is wrong. I was doubled over in pain in the bathroom this morning here at work thinking I had to have a bowel movement, but it was just an intense amount of pain going from my rectum all the way into my bladder/uterus. Then the pain subsides and then I just feel the intense pressure. It hurts to sit and it hurts to walk. When I got this checked out a few weeks ago, my Dr said it was most likely from surgery. She removed endo from my bowel and bladder and the pain could be from this. Our biggest concern is getting me to July with all my parts in tack. My clock is ticking and we are trying to save me from a very early hysterectomy! I'm doing ok right now thank goodness. Just uncomfortable sitting at my desk. Even with all this to deal with, Im still HAPPY and feel great about everything!=)

Here is how Day 4 went:

Took my daily Prenatal with DHA{very important to take one with DHA because it helps with brain development}

Breakfast:
I ate at work too rushed at home. I had a piece of wheat toast with peanut butter and a half of grapefruit. I ate it like a champ and could have eaten more.

Lunch:
Chicken Salad sandwich on wheat toast, Greek strawberry yogurt and a non-caffeinated soda{not the best choice because of the sugars, but at least it was decaf}.

Snack:
Banana and a bunch of water{wanted more but started to not feel so well so I just stuck with water}

Dinner:
Cheated a little to make my hubby happy. We went to chipotle and I was not very hungry. I got a burrito and I think I ate like 4 bites of it and I was done. Didn't even snack later.

Exercise:
I got my walk in finally. We walked for about an hour and it felt amazing. I can't wait to go again tonight.

I went to bed at 10pm which is hard for me to do since I'm a night owl. I missed The Hills!=( So bummed but my body for our baby is way more important right now that a dumb reality TV show ya know?

I hope to go tonight to Trader Joes or Whole Foods to pick up some more of the essentials I need and the vitamins. After my walks, I'm so pooped the last thing I want to do is go back out.
I have what I need to get started with the diet I just want the added essentials that give you more of a boost in certain areas.

It makes me so happy that I feel so great about everything. This has been a very tough road for me and the fact that I'm able to push on and be happy consider what I'm currently dealing with with my body is huge! I give all the thanks to God! He has been by my side the whole time even when I didn't feel he was. He won't let us down. I just know it.

I'm anxiously waiting to find out the exact day we will be starting in July. Hope to know in the next week or two.

I hope everyone is doing well.

Thanks again for all your wonderful comments, emails and hugs{my DS sisters know what these hugs are}=)! They mean a lot to me!

Talk to you all soon!

Lauren

..what is an ivf diet..

2010-05-04T08:53:00.000-07:00

A lot of people have asked me what exactly is the IVF Diet so I decided that a post was neccessary to help those who are interested. A lot of the information that I have I simply found on the internet as well as friends.

If you are about to start an IVF cycle, now is the time to start the IVF Diet. Typically it's done 2-3 months before the start of a cycle, but even starting a few weeks before will help. It's essential both before and after{eliminating certain food after your ET}.

Here is a list of things that make up the IVF Diet:

The diet helps in many ways. Helps with egg quality, uterine lining, implantation, prevention of M/C's and so on. I didn't want to leave anything out, so I have copied and pasted the article that I am following.

If you have any further questions, leave me a comment and I'll get back to you as soon as I can.

Maintaining a proper diet is key when trying to conceive. Meals should be healthy and balanced, containing foods from every food group.

Organic foods, whole wheat, fruits and vegetables can all help increase a woman's chance of becoming pregnant. These foods contain lots of vitamins and minerals, which are key to conception and fetal development.
Protein sources, such as meat and poultry, help maintain healthy level of iron. Low iron levels at the onset of pregnancy increase the risk of developing postpartum anemia, which reduces a new mom's energy. Post-partum anemia affects 27% of women.
Vegetarian diets are generally healthy, but iron supplements are sometimes needed to avoid anemia when a diet lacks reliable sources of iron and dairy. Calcium and B12 supplements may be recommended.

While many women are wary of fish because it contains mercury, you should still try to eat fish with low mercury levels. These are excellent sources of omega-3 fatty acids, which boost fertility and heart health. Mercury is toxic to the fetus and stays in a woman's bloodstream for over a year. Fish that's high in mercury includes white tuna, shark, frozen swordfish and marlin. Fish that contain low levels of mercury include salmon, flounder, trout, haddock, tilapia, and canned chunk light tuna (not albacore). Experts say that it is safe for women to have up to 12 ounces of low mercury fish per week. If women still feel wary about eating fish, or if they are vegetarians, flax seeds are another good source of omega-3. Extra omega-3 is now being added to many foods, including yogurts and breads.

Choosing breads with whole grains will help to ensure that you get enough fiber. Whole grains also contain nutrients that help to stimulate total body health.

Make sure that you're getting enough calcium. Dairy foods, such as milk, yogurt and cheese are all good sources, however, these foods contain saturated fats, which should only be consumed in moderation. Many vegetables, such as broccoli, kale and oranges are as good a source of calcium as dairy products. Fish, such as sardines and salmon, are also good sources of calcium.

Vegetables, such as peas, broccoli and pumpkin, are also excellent sources of fiber, vitamins and minerals. When choosing fruits and veggies, look for a bright hue; the brighter the color, the more nutrients the food contains. Blueberries, kale and red peppers are especially healthful. Antioxidants in these foods also help to counteract the negative effects of pollution and the sun on our bodies.

Oranges and lemons are a good food choice because they contain folic acid, which stimulates the development of female sex hormones, while reducing the risk of spina bifida in infants.

High-quality multivitamins are an excellent way to ensure that a diet contains enough nutrients. Vitamins containing zinc, folic acid and B vitamins are crucial. Zinc helps cell division in the development of the fetus, while a lack of zinc can decrease the production of healthy eggs prior to conception. Zinc is the only mineral conclusively shown to increase fertility rates. Vitamin B6 is rich in folic acid, while Vitamin B12 helps to absorb it. A supplement containing essential fatty acids is also important.

A high fluid intake is also important when trying to conceive. In order to stay hydrated, a woman trying to get pregnant should be doubly sure to drink at least 6 to 8 glasses of water and natural fruit juices (that do not contain added sugar) per day.

Some other items not listed that I've heard are helpful:

Green tea
Red Raspberyy Leaf Tea
Sunflower Seeds
Pumpkin Seeds
Walnuts
Exercise - I am exercising 3-4 times a week for 30-40 minutes{helps my mental state and I feel so content after}
Being overweight or underweight can also be a huge factor in a successful IVF cycle. I tend to be on the underweight side, so I have to be really concious of what I'm eating so I don't loose weight. Eating foods higher in fat for me{non-greasy} helps me maintain a healthy body weight.

If I've left anything out, I'll be sure to update. I feel like I am.

I only followed a few of things my first IVF cycle and I got a BFN. I'm following this plan to the T and feel so positive about my next cycle.

I hope that I have helped you understand the importance of preparing your body for an IVF cycle.

Thanks,
Lauren

..Day 3..

2010-05-03T10:46:00.000-07:00

I told myself before I went to sleep lastnight that I need to make the effort to get up ontime during the work week from here on out. I have been really bad lately and I feel like crap when I get to work because I was so rushed.

As of today 5/3/10 I can mark this as day 1 of achieving this goal. It feels so good to have followed through with my plan. Yay for me!=)

This is how my has started:

I woke up at 6:30{so not a morning person} and showered first thing. I then made my breakfast which consisted of the following items:

1/2 a grapefrut
glass of OJ
peach greek yogurt
fresh blackberries with one banana cut up

Lots of fruit. I wanted to squeeze in a piece of wheat toast but the fruit took over. Tomorrow I will cut back on the fruit and add in the wheat toast.

Lunch:

Had a hard time finding something at work high in protein so part of my lunch has been on track. I don't feel so bad since I got at least half right. No caffeine so far...this is huge for me! So far so good.

Snack:

Granola Bar and Cheese Nips

Dinner:

Spagetthi with Meat Sauce{suppose to eat lots of pasta which has Zinc..one of the supplements I will be taking soon}.

If the rain stays away, then after dinner I will walk for 30-40 minutes.

So we will see how the rest of the day goes.

Until tomorrow....

..Day 2..

2010-05-03T07:57:00.000-07:00

Day 1 was getting things prepared for this journey and mentally preparing myself. The changes started on Day 2.

Day 2 is for Sunday, May 2nd 2010...

Sunday 5/2/2010:

Today I officially started the preparations for my next IVF cycle in July. I have made a promise to myself that I would do everything possible to help increase our chances of bringing home our TAKE HOME BABY{actually conceiving and bringing home the baby 9 months later - this is big deal in the IF world}.

I started with Exercise:
Walked for 40 minutes around my neighborhood with my pup. We have a really nice walking trail behind our apartment that is perfect for my daily exercise. Pup loved it too. I felt so refreshed afterwards. If the rain will hold up, I will do another 30-40 minutes tonight{hoping DH comes this time}.

IVF Diet - Started off slow:
I went to the grocery store to get all the foods that I would need for the week to start my new mean plan. It consists of lots of fruit and foods high in calcium and protein.

Dinner wasn't really geared towards the diet, but like I said, I'm starting off slow. For an after dinner snack, I had a bowl full of fresh blackberries{so yummy} and a big glass of WHOLE MILk...Yes I said it, WHOLE MILK! Wow, I forgot how thick whole milk was. I grew up on whole milk, but in the past few years switched to 2% so this was a bit shocking at first. It was good even if it did upset my tummy a little.

Didn't snack on anything else{I'm known to be a late night snacker & the snacks I choose aren't the healthiest}. I went to bed around 11 pm and I felt so calm about things!

I'm very proud of myself for sticking to what I promised myself I would do. My health is important for our baby to come and I don't want to do anything to jeopordize this from happening.

Can't wait to update you on Day 3!

Chao,

Lauren

..preparing for IVF#2-day 1..

2010-05-03T06:34:00.000-07:00

Today is May 1st. Two months before July 1st when we can officially start IVF#2! I won't know the official date of when we start until the middle/end of May. Since I have been through the IVF roller coaster before, I know what to expect this time. I know how to prepare my body and mind ahead of time for a successful cycle. The first go-around as hard as it was to accept that it didn't work, I consider it our trial run. I learned so much during this time. I plan to do things differently this time. We want this to work and to know that we tried everything we possibly could. I'm excited for this next cycle and look forward to the steps leading up to it. There are few things that I will be focused on doing that they say are the key to a successful IVF cycle. I have done my research and I feel confident that with these changes that I will be making, we will see a difference.

To give you an idea of what my next 2-3 months will entail, I have listed them below:

1. Exercise for 30 minutes 3-4 times a week.
2. Start the IVF diet - It's a diet high in protein with lost of fresh veggies. There is a huge list of things to eat that help with numerous things that go along with each step of how an embryo is formed and how it implants into the uterus. Implantation is key to an embryos survival and we believe that this was one of our problems last time.
3. Accupuncture - Helps with blood flow to the uterus, egg quality, egg quantity, hormone levels and overall physcial health. My insurance covers 40 visits so thankfully this will be free for us.
4. Being ass stress free as I can. The more relaxed I am, the more responsive my body will be.
5. Vitamin Supplements - Calcium, Zinc, Vitamin E, B6, B12.
6. Positive Attitude. I feel good about things this time. It has been hard to have a positive attiude towards something so difficult to deal with. But I have seen God's hands work in so many woman's lifes this past year, I believe He will do the same for us.

I am committed to this new lifestyle! I will do whatever it takes for us to be able to have a baby of our own. It's going to take a lot of discipline and sacrifices, but in the end, it's so worth it and I wouldn't change a thing.

Thanks again everyone for all your love and support! It means the world to me and my husband!

Till next time!

Lots of sticky baby dust to all,

Lauren

2010-04-30T08:54:00.000-07:00

I decided that I wanted to start a blog that was just about my infertility journey and our path towards starting our family. It has been a long journey to say the least. It's had it's ups and downs that's for sure. I know how much other blogs about trying to conceive and infertility have helped me in my journey and my hope is that I can help other woman who are struggling with infertility. It's not easy to share our stories of infertility. Most people don't understand and don't know what to say. Sometimes all we want is just some to talk to who will just Listen.

Now on to my story. I will try to make this as brief as I can, but it's hard for me to condense everything when so much has happened. So if this goes on and on and on, my apologies.
The beginning...

From the day I first started my period back in junior high, I have had very painful periods. I had very painful cramps and my periods were very heavy. Later on in High School it got to the point to where I had to take prescription Motrin for the pain and would be doubled over in pain for days. I missed a lot of school in High School because of this. When I was 17 I went on Birth Control to help ease the pain and lighten the bleeding and it helped. Over the years as I got older the pill started to not do the trick. I would go to the Dr just for them to tell me continue taking your pill and Motrin...nothing is wrong you are fine! For awhile, I believe them. As the years went on, things started to get worse. I had bowel issues, bladder issues and painful pelvic pains. No Dr would take me seriously. They would send me for ultrasounds and that was it. Cysts would show up but they always said they were nothing to worry about! The pain went on for years without knowing what was really wrong. I just figured the Dr's were right and that I just had to deal with the pain.

I moved to Virginia in August of 2007. I started a new job the end of Feb. 08 and thankfully had great health insurance. After being at my job for only two weeks, I was in the Emergency room already. I was in so much pain I thought something was seriously wrong down there. I had horrible shooting pains on my right side near my ovary and I couldn't move. They checked me out in the ER to only tell me a cyst had PROBABLY RUPTURED but that they didn't see anything on my right side. So I was given a shot of pain meds and sent home. This time I knew something wasn't right. At the time I had an HMO for my health insurance. I decided it was time they took me seriously. Went to an OBGYN the next day and finally saw a Dr listened and was concerned. She ordered an MRI immediately which confused me but I went with it. This MRI was the magical moment. They finally found something. From what they could see, I had Endometriosis. I went for another ultrasound that showed I had a few cysts one being 4.5cm (which is rather large). The Dr said that these findings would explain the pain I have had over the years! Endometriosis causes very painful periods and a whole list of painful things. She said that I needed to have surgery to remove the cyst and the Endo. I wasn't comfortable with having this surgery with the HMO that for years never listened to me. I was fortunate enough to be able to switch health insurance and found an amazing OBGYN. She agreed that I needed the surgery. In July of 2008 I had surgery, Laparoscopy to remove 2-3 Endometriomas (blood filled cysts) and Endometriosis. She said I was covered inside. The Endo was on my left ovary, bladder, bowel and pelvic side walls. She removed what she could and said that I should be clean for awhile.

By September I was in pain again. I was having the same horrible pains again. I went for another ultrasound and they found that the cysts and Endo had returned already. My Dr said you need surgery AGAIN, but this time I have to cut you open! I freaked out! I had never had major surgery before. I knew that it was a must. It had to be done if I wanted to have children. In January of 2009 I had a Lapartomy {like a c-section} and I lost my left ovary due to the endo. It had basically taken over my whole left side and in order to safe the rest of my reproductive organs, I had to have this surgery. She cleaned me out once again, and told me that now is the time to get pregnant while your cleaned out. We had been trying to get pregnant, but it wasn't working. I just figured that it would take extra time due to my circumstances. I decided that I really wanted to know what the prognosis was for my husband and I have children. I made an appointment with a Reproductive Endocrinologist with the Genetics and IVF Institue for June 24th, 2009. This appointment changed everything. I never knew I would hear what I had heard. They ran a series of test on both my husband and I and we were devastated when we found out that we would not be able to conceive on our own! I was told that I had premature low ovarian reserve which is early menopause. My egg production was at it's minimum and that I was left with fewer eggs that an average 30 yr old woman. Being left with only one ovary, we had only my right to rely on. We were told that our only chance of having a child was through In Vitro. What? I was in shock. We both took it pretty hard but knew that there was nothing we could do about it now. Endo causes infertility and I never understood how bad it could damage things. We had a lot to think about.

We decided that we would try IVF. We signed up for my first IVF cycle to begin September 10th, 2009. Due to the issues we had, they would have to do IVF with ICSI where they inject the sperm straight into the egg for it to fertilize. The more we learned and the more we talked about this, we became more and more excited and hopeful. I am fortunate that I have great health insurance that covers infertility. So we were covered. I started my injections on the 10th and took them for about 2 weeks until the Dr's saw that I had a good enough amount of follicles to retrieve. Since I only had one ovary, my response would be about 1/2 of what it would be if I had two ovaries. These two weeks were very emotional. One day we were told I wasn't responding well to the meds, to the next day saying I was. All I knew is I wanted enough eggs to fertilize to have some to freeze and enough to transfer to my uterus. On Sept. 25 they were able to retrieve 9 eggs. Out of the 9, 5 fertilized, and by the end of the 2nd day after the retrieval, only one survived. I was very upset. This meant we only had one embryo to transfer and our odds were that much slimmer. I wanted two and some to freeze. But no, we were left with only ONE! I took it pretty hard, but knew it was all in God's hands and if it was meant to be, it would be. We had the transfer and two weeks later found out that it didn't work. This was the saddest day of my life. We saw a picture of the embryo saw what could of been. It didn't make any sense. Why didn't it take? When you put all our infertility issues together, my body has a hard time producing good quality embryos which makes them harder to implant. I didn't think I could go on. I felt like we had lost a child. It was the worst feeling. We knew we couldn't do another cycle because we had exhausted all of our benefits. My husband was not ready to do this again and I never knew if he would be. For months and months I always wondered what he was thinking and if we would ever have kids.

My body needed time to heal. I had to just wait it out till July 1st of the next year to try again. This is when I could switch health insurance for full infertility coverage again. These past 8 months have been very difficult especially for me. My body continued to be in pain and I couldn't figure out why. I kept getting cysts and the pain just wouldn't go away. I didn't like not doing anything to try to get pregnant. I hated the waiting. My Dr suggested that we try naturally with Clomid even though we knew it wouldn't work, at least we were trying something to help the time go by till July. This didn't work either. It was so frustrating...month after month of NEGATIVES on pregnancy tests was just unbearable. I went to a follow up ultrasound on March 1st and found out that I had 3 cysts that were 6.5 cm and was told by my OBGYN that I needed surgery AGAIN right away! I couldn't believe it. How much more could my body take. I had surgery on 3/10 and she removed the cysts and got all the endo out she could see. Once again, it was everywhere. I asked her what can we do to prevent this from growing back before July? We both agreed that it was time to stop trying on our own {wasting our time and energy} and to start birth control so that the endo couldn't grow back and set us back again. She was worried that if I didn't get pregnant by July that I would have to have a hysterectomy. So to be safe and to make sure that nothing could grow, we decided to put me on the Lupron Depo shot that puts you in menopause temporarily - it basically shuts your system down.

So on Wed. 4/28 I had my first shot. I will have another in May and June and then July we will start our next IVF cycle with a new infertility clinic. We were not happy with the way we were treated and have been referred to Shady Grave by my OBGYN. So for now, I continue to take my birth control to help subside the menopausal side effects - yay for me and wait till July. As nervous as I am to do this again, I'm really excited this time. I have learned so much about infertility and my body. I have a totally different attitude this time and I feel so much more prepared. I know what I should expect and what not to from these Dr's. I feel that we have a better chance this time being in better hands. I'm taking the extra steps to prepare my body to help us have a successful cycle. Believe it or not, there is an IVF diet to follow to help improve your chances. At this point I am willing to try anything. We are excited but also very nervous. We are ready to start our family and just pray that this is God's will and timing. This next cycle will probably exhaust all of our infertility benefits if not give us 2 cycles out of it, so if it doesn't work, I don't know what we will do. We can't afford to do this out-of-pocket.

I finally feel hopeful again! I have been so down in the dumps these past few months that I am ready to never feel like this again. All we want is our take home baby as we IF woman call it!=) The support of our family and friends is very important to us. Infertility is a very lonely journey and having those around you support you means everything. It's a huge roller coaster of emotions going through IVF and the ups and downs are tough. Not knowing the outcome is what was really hard for me. Thinking one day I was pregnant, to the next loosing hope.

I have wanted to be a Mom ever since I was a little girl! I wish my body was normal. I wish I was one of those woman that can get pregnant with the snap of their fingers. If you are one of those, you don't even know how blessed you are! Thinking about our baby being created in a dish is hard to accept. We want nothing more than the chance to make our baby out of love but have had to come to terms that this will never happen. Yes, this baby will be made out of love, but in a much much different kind of way. We continue to pray for God's blessing and that if the times is right, he will bless us with a child. I have had to hold onto hope which hasn't been easy.

I'm sure I have left things out, I'm almost sure I have. But, this is my story and I look forward to being able to continue to share our journey with you. The posts might not be as interesting these next few weeks, but once we start this next IVF cycle, I will have lots and lots to share with you on a daily basis.

...If any of you have any questions, comments or just want to say hi, please leave me a comment or feel free to email me. Remember you are NOT alone in this journey. We are here for each other. I have some wonderful friends who are going through the same infertility journey that I am, and having others to share with that understand what you are going through means so much to me. If you need support or just someone to talk to, there is a great online support group that I am part of that has been a huge blessing to me during this tough time. Click here: http://dailystrength.org/ and go to the infertility support group. It's a wonderful group so check it out.
Thanks for reading my story! SEE HOW I CAN'T JUST GIVE A SYNOPSIS OF MY STORY? I could go on for days.

Remember, you are not alone in this journey!!!!!!!!

Thanks,

Lauren

..Lupron Depo Shot #1..

2010-04-30T08:25:00.000-07:00

On Wednesday April 28th, I had my 1st Lupron Depo Shot.

Can you say ouch?

Going through IVF, I've given myself lots of injections,

but my DH gave them to me and he was so gentle.

I had to go to my Dr's office to get this done.

The nurse took forever to get the needle into the muscle.

I was so sore that night and I'm still sore now.

Here is what I'm talking about:

Nice huh?

So far I feel ok. On Wednesday I was a bit nauseous and my back really hurt,

but today I just have a slight headache.

I don't feel menopausal yet!

I really hope that I don't.

It's only for three months and it's worth it to have a baby!

So my next shot will be May 28th, then June 25th,

and then IVF in July!

The countdown is on!!!!!!!!

.

..AF arrived, STIMS have started & 2nd follie check..

..Where are you AF?..

..The beginning of IVF#3 has started..

..IUI Update: BFN..

..IUI Update..

..Quick Update..

..Day 5..

..Day 4 & 1st Follicle check..

..IVF#2: Day 1..

..2/24/11..

..We are getting so close..

..IVF #2 start date..

..BIG UPDATE..

..RE follow-up postponed..

..Cryosurgery follow up #2 with OBGYN..

..CD3 Appointment with my RE..

..AF & BW/US appointment..

..Happy New Year!..

..The Holidays..

..Come check out my Vlogs & new Facebook page..

..I'm Alive..

..Kudos to the Hubby..

..Mock EEP Cycle..

..It's a GO..

..Still hanging in there..

..There is hope..

..How does anyone prepare for the worst..

..Where we stand in the IVF land..

****FABULOUS NEWS****

..HSG and Results..

..Just waiting..

..Finally..

..Still waiting..

..If two pieces of bad news weren't enough, now there are 3!!!!

..It's been awhile..

..count your blessings..

..my appointment with our new RE for IVF#2..

..Tomorrow is the BiG DaY..

..we will meet soon my precious one..

..COUNTDOWN IS ONNNNNNNN..

..It's been awhile..

..HELLO WaTeR..

..1 month & Cryo Surgery..

..oh the moodiness..

..worrying and the what-ifs..

..Topic: IVF babies shouldn't get babyshowers!..

..July 2nd, 2010..

..I feel gReAt..

..Saw you one day, didn't see you the next..

..Amazed at what words can do..

..Update ~ Day 6-11..

..Day 5..

..Day 4..

..what is an ivf diet..

..Day 3..

..Day 2..

..preparing for IVF#2-day 1..

..Lupron Depo Shot #1..

FABULOUS NEWS